Ladies.  You know who I’m talking about.  That guy you have a big crush on, who you think about while listening to Justin Beiber songs (or, in my case, Side A of OK Computer).  He’s got that “disheveled yet still perfectly coiffed” hairstyle.  He skips class and hangs out with the “smokers” in the “smoker’s pit”.  He looks sexier in a jean jacket than anyone you’ve ever seen before. 

 Yes, I had that guy, too.  I was totally, and completely, obsessed with him, and fantasized about him suddenly realizing that, despite my frizzy hair and awkward tomboy aesthetic, I am beautiful and perfect for him, and we would ride out of the school parking lot together in his parent’s vintage blue MG that he would drive to school.

 And now that I’ve been out of high school for several years, I’m here to tell you why you need to realize he is balls. 

After several years of allowing my life to grow beyond the confines of my small suburban high school, I’ve discovered the following: the guy you like in high school will probably turn out to be an awful, awful catch when you are an adult.  Here is a pie chart to help you understand.

WHAT WILL END UP HAPPENING TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH:

My advice, as a sage, older, wiser person, is to fall in love with the guy that people tend to overlook.  The truth is that the best guys are the ones who are gangly and awkward and not the coolest in high school.  Those guys didn’t rely on their laid-back good looks and actually had to develop a personality.  Then, they grow into their looks and become jaw-droppingly gorgeous.  I present, as an example, one of my current man-crushes, John Krasinski:

John in 2000 as an intern:

John in 2010 as one of the sexiest men alive:

Basically, my thesis is as follows:

COOL GUY IN HIGH SCHOOL LOOKS LIKE THIS WHEN HE’S 28: