How to Attract West-End Girls, circa 2011**
**NOTE: this only works on chicks who live West of Bathurst.
I’m going to do all men a favour and “crack the code” on how to attract the ladies. My friends and I have had this conversation about sixteen jillion times.
IT IS SO EASY TO BE A MAN AND ATTRACT GIRLS.
Girls are totally superficial and transparent and will fall in love with you if you dress the way I’ve outlined below. You don’t even really have to be good looking or buff or have a Ryan Gosling “I could crush a walnut between my forearms” body… IN FACT, my formula is so fool-proof, that it could take any clueless, hapless, losery, un-sex-able man and turn him into a man more bangable than the lead singer of the Black Keys.
Let’s take this hopeless gent:
I think we can all agree that he is the poster-child for adulthood virginity, even though he got a date with Lisa Turtle that one time, and they won the Casey Casem dance contest by doing the new hip dance “The Sprain”. COULD we change this young man’s future from “Depressed Internet Porn Addict” to “West End Pussy Magnet?”
Yes. We can. It’s easy.
Here is the formula
#1 Beard
Grow a beard and the chicks will be all over you. Like, seriously. The guy could look like Andy Mickey Rooney but as long as he has a beard, the chicks will be fighting (see Figure 1).
Figure 1: Sigh. That’s much better.
As soon as any chick I know sees a beard, a guy goes from a 2 to an 8. Let’s add a nice thick beard onto Screech…
#2 Tight-ish Dark Pants (Roll Cuffs)
Yeah, just go into any store and buy a pair of dark pants or jeans. Tight-ish. Medium rise. Roll those cuffs and show some sexy leg hair. The girls will be draping themselves on the ground in front of you, asking your opinion on left-wing political morés. Screech needs to change out of those circus-print balloon pants, and into some tightish Levi’s with rolled cuffs.
#3 Tight White/Black T-Shirt
Keep this simple. Go to Canadian Tire. Buy a Hanes 3-Pack. If you’re usually a Large, buy a Medium.
#4 Plaid Shirt
You don’t even need to wear it. There just needs to be some plaid somewhere in the periphery of the female’s vision, and they will assume you hang out on the West End and enjoy locally-sourced produce and listen to esoteric music. Here, we’ve added a plaid shirt, folded on the bench next to Screech.
#5 Laced Brown Boots OR Blundstones
GIRLS ARE REALLY REALLY REALLY PICKY ABOUT MEN’S SHOES. If your shoes don’t pass a certain level of coolness, then you will have SO much additional work to do to convince them you are worth having sex with. I recommend Blundstones or Lace-Up boots. Screech’s new Pussy Magnet persona means that he needs to change out of those “I-will-die-alone-rollerblades”, and into some “I-need-to-do-some-heavy-carpentry-work-later” lace-up boots.
#6 Tattoos
Yeah… west-end girls see one tattoo and it’s game over. It’s like the key to the west-end chastity belt. I’ve added an old-school anchor, a heart with an arrow through it, and he’s got the ol’ “LOVE/HATE” jail tatts on the knuckles. HOT SHIT.
#7 Hair Parted to the Side Like it’s the 1940s
Chicks love that shit right now. It’s so classy. It was hard to tame Screech’s ‘do, but with some creative Microsoft Paint-ing, I think I managed to make his hair less brillo-pad-y.
#8 Go Sit Down at Trinity Bellwoods Park
Now, all you have to do it wait. I recommend going to the west end girls’ primary mating ground, TB Park. Eventually, some girl will come by with a broken bike chain, and ask you to fix it, and the rest is history…
Self-hating, dog-loving and cheese-eating in Toronto. 
This is embarrassingly accurate.
WAIT! Where’s his bike?
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That’s Mickey Rooney.
Yes. It is Mickey Rooney, Jamie. But the rest of the pictures are Dustin Diamond.
You won the internet (… or at least the internet west of Bathurst)
So, uh, how to the women east of Bathust get their pussies wet? Because that Screech makeover is surprisingly amazing.
I’m assuming there is an East-End street that marks the end of Ed Hardy T-Shirts, and simultaneously the beginning dark rolled-cuff Levi’s? What are we talkin’ here… Broadview? Pape? I think we can all agree that it’s the center of the city that is the problem. I have never been attracted to a man walking down Yonge street in my life.
I think Jamie’s point is that you say “the guy could look like Andy Rooney” and then used a photo of Mickey Rooney.
Boof – BAAAH ha ha ha. I’ve been watching too many episodes of 60 Minutes. I just can’t get enough of Andy Rooney’s old-man-rants.
Or, maybe it’s because both Mickey Rooney AND Andy Rooney would look more attractive with a beard.
@Natty Word. Center-line men don’t do it for me.
So true it hurts.
Now the question; are west end girls worth the hassle?
Touché, Bearded Weirdo, touché.
you could re-title this post to be “how to attract girls with good taste in men, circa: forever.” spot-on.
totally would.
i’ve been conned by a enough of these, that i’ve been trained to repel from flannel.
though i’m still a sucker for a big beard.
You just made Screech into Matt Rennick.
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Blundstones, though? Come on now… Men don’t want spandex boots.
Try and keep up.
It had to be said… real talk from Kate Carraway:
“DON’T DATE GUYS BECAUSE THEY DRESS COOL
Fantastic tattoos and the correct denim and a t-shirt fit that makes your pussy cry doesn’t mean he can or will do anything at all in the direction of supporting you. Sowwy!”
http://www.vice.com/read/girl-news-girls-growing-up
why’s he got support YOU? support YOUR DAMN SELF. you women wanted equality in the workplace and all, now you got it! and next time you go on a date…maybe YOU should pay!
Wow.
You fucking nailed it.
i disagree. i’ve seen so many guys like this. but a skinny poser will never get my pussy wet. no matter which angle i tilt my head or how much i squint my eyes.
they just look like adult children.
Wow, you’ve just repurposed a description of hipsters. How clever of you.
To quote reddit: “I’m a Nerd Who Hates Hipsters, Vol. MMCVII”
Go back to 2006 bro.
Okay, we get it. There are hipsters around trinity bellwoods.
hipster screech, i can see hollywood calling after being typecast for so long. could be a 2013-harrison ford! #justmaybe
I’m a woman, and I certainly don’t think that way. However, I can confirm that MANY of my girlfriends do. Touché Natty, Touché.
I don’t think the people on Reddit get that your post/my comments were serious and that we do live west of Bathurst and all our boy friends and boyfriends do look like Screech’s “after” rendering and plaid = pussy and who cares!!!
How to Attract West-End WHITE Girls, circa 2011**
Lol someone should write an east end version..