How to Attract West-End Girls, circa 2011**
**NOTE: this only works on chicks who live West of Bathurst.
I’m going to do all men a favour and “crack the code” on how to attract the ladies. My friends and I have had this conversation about sixteen jillion times.
IT IS SO EASY TO BE A MAN AND ATTRACT GIRLS.
Girls are totally superficial and transparent and will fall in love with you if you dress the way I’ve outlined below. You don’t even really have to be good looking or buff or have a Ryan Gosling “I could crush a walnut between my forearms” body… IN FACT, my formula is so fool-proof, that it could take any clueless, hapless, losery, un-sex-able man and turn him into a man more bangable than the lead singer of the Black Keys.
Let’s take this hopeless gent:
I think we can all agree that he is the poster-child for adulthood virginity, even though he got a date with Lisa Turtle that one time, and they won the Casey Casem dance contest by doing the new hip dance “The Sprain”. COULD we change this young man’s future from “Depressed Internet Porn Addict” to “West End Pussy Magnet?”
Yes. We can. It’s easy.
Here is the formula
Grow a beard and the chicks will be all over you. Like, seriously. The guy could look like
Andy Mickey Rooney but as long as he has a beard, the chicks will be fighting (see Figure 1).
As soon as any chick I know sees a beard, a guy goes from a 2 to an 8. Let’s add a nice thick beard onto Screech…
#2 Tight-ish Dark Pants (Roll Cuffs)
Yeah, just go into any store and buy a pair of dark pants or jeans. Tight-ish. Medium rise. Roll those cuffs and show some sexy leg hair. The girls will be draping themselves on the ground in front of you, asking your opinion on left-wing political morés. Screech needs to change out of those circus-print balloon pants, and into some tightish Levi’s with rolled cuffs.
#3 Tight White/Black T-Shirt
Keep this simple. Go to Canadian Tire. Buy a Hanes 3-Pack. If you’re usually a Large, buy a Medium.
#4 Plaid Shirt
You don’t even need to wear it. There just needs to be some plaid somewhere in the periphery of the female’s vision, and they will assume you hang out on the West End and enjoy locally-sourced produce and listen to esoteric music. Here, we’ve added a plaid shirt, folded on the bench next to Screech.
#5 Laced Brown Boots OR Blundstones
GIRLS ARE REALLY REALLY REALLY PICKY ABOUT MEN’S SHOES. If your shoes don’t pass a certain level of coolness, then you will have SO much additional work to do to convince them you are worth having sex with. I recommend Blundstones or Lace-Up boots. Screech’s new Pussy Magnet persona means that he needs to change out of those “I-will-die-alone-rollerblades”, and into some “I-need-to-do-some-heavy-carpentry-work-later” lace-up boots.
Yeah… west-end girls see one tattoo and it’s game over. It’s like the key to the west-end chastity belt. I’ve added an old-school anchor, a heart with an arrow through it, and he’s got the ol’ “LOVE/HATE” jail tatts on the knuckles. HOT SHIT.
#7 Hair Parted to the Side Like it’s the 1940s
Chicks love that shit right now. It’s so classy. It was hard to tame Screech’s ‘do, but with some creative Microsoft Paint-ing, I think I managed to make his hair less brillo-pad-y.
#8 Go Sit Down at Trinity Bellwoods Park
Now, all you have to do it wait. I recommend going to the west end girls’ primary mating ground, TB Park. Eventually, some girl will come by with a broken bike chain, and ask you to fix it, and the rest is history…