This last weekend sucked balls, for a variety of reasons.

But let’s start with my ONE positive experience.  My friend Annie was having a birthday party, and since it was a milestone birthday, her friends decided to make it an over-the-top celebration of her many years in existence.  They basically tried to re-enact the birthday parties she used to have as a kid.

The theme of the birthday was “Northern Reflections circa 1989″, which is the most amazing idea of all time.  Here are some of the interpretations of this theme:

 

What did I wear?  I happen to have a wicked cool “horses riding in the plains” T-Shirt…

Yey!  Wyld Stallyns.

A couple of important points here…

1. I actually bought this shirt for realsies off ebay because I wanted a “horses riding in the plains” shirt… this was not purchased as a “joke” like everyone else, which made me feel a bit like a loser;
2. The “Northern Reflections” theme is only slightly captured in my T-Shirt.  It really should have been, like, some loons in a pond, or mallard ducks flying over some swamp reeds to truly be “Northern Reflections”-esque;
3. I’m pretty sure I’ve worn this exact outfit to the bar in the last year;
4. This:

 

Anyways, I had a great time.

Now, let’s recap the horror that was the rest of my weekend.

First, Friday night, I was scheduled to pick up a craigslist item to pimp up my new pad.  I’ve been looking for a vintage arc light for some time, and although I really really like the Castiglioni Arco Lamp by Flos, it’s like $2600.00, and I am not as rich as an astronaut.  I was thinking of getting a replica complete with marble base and beautiful brushed chrome head, but it was still like $400.00, and I thought I could find something cheaper on craigs.  I did.

Here it is… I paid $100.00, but I have to get a new shade, because the filter is missing…

It’s pretty awesome, I’m not going to lie.  HOWEVER, being super excited and antsy to get it home, I STUFFED it into my Corolla like a high-strung squirrel, not realizing that the head of the lamp was squashed against the windshield.

I got into my car, happily driving down Yonge street, excited about the weekend, when I heard

“CRRRRAAAACK”

Yeah.  My fucking windshield cracked. 

I freaked out and tried to re-position the lamp while I was weaving in and out of traffic, and heard another

“CRRRAACCK”

Yeah, it cracked again.  In a different place.  I burst into tears and continued driving home.

Now, I don’t know if you know this, but cracking your windshield SUCKS SHIT.  You have to go get it replaced virtually immediately, because it will keep getting bigger AND it reinforces the cage of your car, so if you get into an accident, it’s more likely that your roof will collapse on your head, causing head-damage.

Here is a picture of the cracks…

So I went the next morning to get the windshield fixed.  It was not covered by my insurance.  Here is a summary:

• Cost of windshield replacement: $477.00
• Cost of lamp: $100.00
• Total Cost: $577.00
• Cost of replica lamp that I didn’t want to get because it cost too much: $395.00

I hate myself.

In addition to the “idiot fee” that I had to pay for trying to get that monster lamp into my Corolla, I also had to spend 4 hours of my Saturday waiting for the windshield to get fixed.  Despite the *multiple* adult video stores and discount Christian book stores in the area, I didn’t want to hang out at Dundas and Royal York, so I took the damn ass poo Go Train to visit my parents in Oakville.

Booooooooooooo.  Go Train.

Although my mom and dad made me feel much better, and fed me chili and apple squares, and took me to buy a microwave for the new place, and actually DROVE ME BACK TO TORONTO so that I wouldn’t have to take the Go Train back, because they are awesome… I was feeling down.

Being an idiot, I decided to the rest of Saturday afternoon to run some errands in Etobicoke because I was in the neighbourhood, and am now an old suburban soccer mom for some reason.

First, I went to Costco to return something. 

Costco on Saturday is the most ridiculous shit on Earth.  If I were an alien, coming down to Earth to examine human behaviour, I would be fascinated at Costco on Saturday.  There are SO MANY PEOPLE I can’t even fucking believe it.

Booooooo.  People.

I don’t really get why you would come out to this warehouse STUFFED with THOUSANDS of people, wait in line forever, and buy HUGE boxes of shit in order to save like, 5 dollars.  I just don’t get it.

Also, I almost got into 17 accidents in the parking lot because as soon as you leave Toronto you have to drive at 20 km an hour and never look around you, as I soon learned from the other drivers in the Costco parking lot.  It’s the suburban law.

It’s also a law in the suburbs that you have to TAKE UP AS MUCH ROOM AS POSSIBLE at all times.  Like this guy in front of me in the “Returns” line.  He was returning a pack of sheets, but obviously, he had to keep the sheets in a HUGE shopping cart so that AS MUCH ROOM AS POSSIBLE was taken up:

Boooooooooooooo.  Man sucks.

I thought maybe he had a bad back or something, but no.  As soon as it was his turn, he SHOVED the cart into a crowd of people, picked up the sheets, and CHUCKED it at the counter for his return.

Being an idiot, I then went to Ikea and Canadian Tire to return some other stuff, and buy some odds and ends for the place.

Boooooooo.  Take a number and wait like a chump.

I left the house at 9:30 am that morning, and returned back at 7:30 pm.

WHAT A GREAT SATURDAY.

On Sunday, I had to go BACK to Ikea because the thing I wanted was coming in on Sunday for some reason. 

Booooooo.  Bjursta.

And I had a $4.00 lunch in the cafeteria which was certainly dripping with fatness-generating molecules…

Boooooooo.  Fatness.

And then I had to go to Canadian Tire again, because the thing I bought the day before (blue roman blinds) looked shitty in my bedroom, and I had to return them.

Incidentally, did you know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to find white roman blinds?  What the fuck?  I went to Ikea, West Elm, Home Outfitters, Sears, The Bay, Pottery Barn, Pier One, Canadian Tire, Home Depot and Home Sense.  NO ONE HAS WHITE ROMAN BLINDS.  FUCK!  I’ve been changing clothes crouching down on my knees in the only awkward corner of my room that is not visible through the front window for 3 weeks now because I can’t find a roman blind.

Anyways, after that, I went grocery shopping because I’ve been eating take-out for 3 weeks due to lack of time, and have gained 7 pounds.

Booooooooo.  Fatness.

As you can see, despite the weight gain, I chose to buy several different forms of cheese as well as bacon.

Grocery shopping on Saturday at 6 pm after a shitty weekend is really depressing and shitty:

Boooooooooo.  Depressing grocery aisles.

I left the house on Sunday at 11:30 and got home at 7:00 pm.

Here is a summary of my weekend:

Hours spent running errands: 17.5
Hours spent at party: 5
Hours spent sleeping: 13
Hours spent relaxing and enjoying my life: 1
Tears shed over the allotment of hours above: 0
Amount of stress units generated by the allotment of hours above: a billion

Money spent unnecessarily due to idiotic packing of arc light into car: $477.00
Tears shed over said money: a billion