I’ve decided that I have an 80′s body.

If you don’t know what that means, then let me enlighten you with some half-researched, completely inaccurate wisdom that I’ve been using over the last 10 years to justify my inability to fit into clothing.

Although most “scientists” or “academics” or “nutritionists” or whatever think that you should use your BMI index or body-fat ratio, or something stupid like that to determine your body type, I’ve created my own method that I think is pretty accurate. I mean, the BMI index basically uses your height and your weight to calculate an overall number that is supposed to tell you whether you are overweight. HOWEVER – I’m thinking that my abnormally HUGE brain with all of it’s extra thinkin’ spots and lobes and stuff probably takes up at least 24% of my overall body mass, so my BMI index is like, TOTALLY skewed.

So I’ve created a system of body-type identification called the “Ice Cream – Popsicle Stick” Body-Type Identifier, or the IC-PIS (phonetically, the “ick-piss”) method. Basically, any body type can be described using a combination of popsicle sticks and ice-cream cones.  Here are the basic “tools” for my identification methodology:

ICE CREAM CONE:

POPSICLE STICK:

FURTHERMORE, I think we can all agree that each decade has its own “ideal body type”, be it curvy or waif-ish or rubenesque. Society determines what combination of ice-cream cones and popsicle sticks is “sexy” for approximately 10 years, then the configuration changes.  So, unless your IC-PIS body-type aligns with the “ideal” body type of that era, you’re shit outta luck. It’s like everyone who is living in that era screaming into your brain “HEY, FATSO. YOU’RE FUCKING SCREWED. Good luck purchasing ANYTHING at H&M this season. HAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!”.

Let me illustrate.

So, like, chicks bodies in the 90′s and 00′s were based on this IC-PIS type:
Popsicle-Popsicle

Which is basically the body type of a 12 year old boy. Every piece of clothing that I tried on for the last 15 years was too fucking tight around my giant hips and too big around my waist. Same with the chestal region. Too tight on the chest, too big on the waist. Damn 17-year-old-slash-anemic-90′s-models. Look like damn-ass popsicle sticks with big frigging heads on them.

So this means that everytime I try to fit into clothing made in this era, it’s either WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to small around my gigantic hips, or gapes like three sizes around my waist.

Chicks in the 80′s apparently looked like this:
Ice Cream Cone-Ice Cream Cone

Huge hips with teeny-tiny waists and an ice-cream-cone top half. If you’ve ever tried on skirts or dresses that were made in the 80′s, you’ll quickly realise that the waist is like, ABNORMALLY small, with ABSOLUTELY no give, and the hips, are like, two huge massive thigh-mounted bulbs of leg fat. Like, the waist is ONE HALF the size of the hips. Additionally, a size “6″ in the 80′s is like a size “Triple 0″ in current sizing. Except for the hips. The hips are a size 14 in current sizing. Also, that was when like, big pointy bras were all the rage, so the boobular area was also exaggerated.

Chicks in the 70′s looked like this:
Ice Cream Cone-Popsicle Stick

Big Ice-Cream Cone hips with a popsicle stick front. Back in the 70′s, they still hadn’t developed super high-potency diet pills, liposuction, and eating disorders to the sophistication of the 90′s and 00′s, so society was able to accept a model that had hips larger than 27 inches. HOWEVER, they also decided to wear no bras for some reason. So their boobs were all pointy and saggy. So it was like, two saggers mounted on top of a popsicle stick, with a big ice-cream-cone hip configuration.

Chicks in the 60′s and prior don’t count. Because they wore like, girdles and corsets and bum-straightjackets and whatever else had been created at the time to detract from the IC-PIS identification method. Damn men. Fucking up my IC-PIS.

Which leads me to the core of this discussion. Due to my small waist, big ass-hips region, and fairly reasonable chestular region, I have an 80′s body. Whenever I try on a skirt or dress from the 80′s, it nips in perfectly at the waist, and opens WAY up in the hips to accommodate my blob-ass.

Yet another reason why vintage is the solution to every problem.