Lately there has been a lot of talk about current women’s fashion and whether it is “attractive” to “men”. A heated and emotional conversation about high-waisted jeans has led to a severe gender schism within my social environment, and after an intense conversation with some of my girlfriends last night, I was encouraged to develop some theories on the subject.  Although The Man Repeller has hit it on the head (specifically, that much of women’s fashion is really not designed to attract men), I would like to argue that there is a multi-layered, complex and intricate tapestry of factors at work here. Note that, the opinions below are exclusively restricted to man’s mental agility concerning fashion. Not overall. So simmer down. 

Why Men Don’t Like Your Jeans:
Theories on Gender Division in the Perception of Fashion

1. Men’s brains don’t move at the speed of women’s fashion

The main nucleus of my theory is that men’s brains have not been conditioned to move at the speed of women’s fashion. Mens’ brains are the crippled, beached manatee to womens’ agile and steroided-up rabid gorilla. It’s likely not their fault, as men’s fashion plods along slowly, too… not unlike a turtle through sticky gum. Let’s take an example, using the much-hyped “High Waisted Jean” as a starting point. This is one of many, many women’s denim trends that was introduced in the last couple of years. Men’s denim trends progress at about 1/600 the speed:

*note that not all trends may be “spot on”, time-wise. Simmer down.

The progress of fashion in their minds is significantly retarded in comparison with the pace set by women’s fashion. Should you condense the time continuum of 2010 men’s fashion and contrast it against that of women, they’ve moved forward roughly two weeks. Compounded, this time-loss results in significantly skewed perceptions of what is considered “sexy”; they are basically living in 2006, when extreme low-waisted skinny jeans with, like, lace-up crotches were thought to be “sexy”. Women, who have progressed light years ahead, see this as “SOoooo 2006.”

A last point here… as a man, looking at this chart, you may remark:
“But Natalie, there are SO MANY women’s denim trends here… couldn’t you just wear whatever type of jeans you want, and still “fit in”… so, in theory, you could wear the jeans that I think are sexy?”

To which I reply:
“NO. Women’s trends are complex and nuanced, and even stepping one shade outside of the trend parameters will leave you susceptible to sheathed ridicule by other, more fashionable, women.”

2. Men’s brains are frozen in the era of their prime sexual state

So, I’m sure that your next argument is something like:

“Well, I don’t care what is FASHIONABLE, I’m just saying that women just overall DON’T LOOK SEXY in high waisted jeans. I’m not a SLAVE to FASHION, I’m just making a general comment about what looks good on women!”

Oh, how deluded you are.

I would argue that men’s perception of “sexy” has “levelling-off point”, graphically represented below, with the 5-7 years of their most potent sexual virility as the highest point. Let’s assume that, for most men, this is between 19 and 26 years of age.

My theory is that, whatever mode of fashion is prevalent during this era of their sexual prime will be what they consider “sexiest” for the rest of their life. Probably because, during this time, they had the highest incidence of sex.

Don’t believe me?

Let’s take a raw, honest look at some of male age demographics, and compare that with an image of what THEY would find “sexy”:

19 – 25 year-old men: correct me if I’m wrong, but judging by the hot-and-heavy petting I see in Trinity Bellwoods, the hottest guys in this male demographic seem to gravitate towards women who look like this:

26 – 33 year-old men: Ummmmm let’s take a look at “sexy” fashion for a girl in… oh… say… 2005, when this man was in his sexual prime*:

* NOTE THE LOW-WAISTED JEANS.

34 – 41 year old men: Reached sexual prime around… 1997:

Dude. Fashion has progressed beyond your wang. Accept it.

3. They’re only remembering the “hot” chicks.

Listen guys. I know that, when you’re thinking about “low-waisted jeans”, you’re thinking about the hottest, most hard-bodied chick, who has no love handles, and whose stomach is as flat as Billy Blanks’.

Dude. The chick that you’re imagining would look smokin’ hot in high-waisted jeans, too. She would look smokin’ hot in ANY form of jeans.

Reality Check: The low-waisted jean did NOT make the average woman’s body look attractive:

Reality Check: The high-waisted jean actually represents the ideal woman’s form much more accurately:

I have no idea why men would think that the first picture is more attractive.  Gross.

4. Men will still want to fuck you, even if you’re wearing high-waisted jeans

Finally, gentlemen, the main reason why your argument is not only flawed, but also irrelevant, is that you guys will still hit on, hook up with, bang, and commit to girls even if they are sporting the most high-waisted, camel-toey-est, mom-bum-iest jeans ever created.

Suck on that.