Periodically, I become completely consumed by the overwhelming compulsion to purchase old jars, dirty pieces of metal, old electronic equipment, and mounds of vintage clothing for absolutely no reason. I have come to the conclusion that I am grappling with my own “Dr. Jeykll and Mr. Hyde” complex, where my “Dr. Jeykll” is a normal, socially adjusted girl who understands that her closets only contain a very small amount of useable space, and my “Mr. Hyde” is an obsessed and impulsive monster who purchases stupid things like 100-pound, old vintage typewriters that do not work, and have a lot of sharp pointy corners that cut you.
Clearly, a monstrous addiction is slowly taking over my brain. Let me demonstrate:
1. WHAT is THAT??!!
“Hmmmmmmm. It’s an old wooden box with some nostalgicky writing on the side.”
2. It’s kind of ugly.
“But sometimes ugly things look kind of cool because they’re ugly and you can be all like “yeah, I don’t care that it’s ugly. It totally, like, represents me, and the fact that it’s ugly indicates that I’m all interesting and complex and shit.”
3. Should I buy it?
“It is PROBABLY super valuable and would look super cool and all antiquey in my apartment”
4. If I don’t buy it now, it will be gone forever.
“This is a vintage store where there is ONLY ONE of everything. Do you think people find old wooden boxes of nostalgicky writing on the side EVERYDAY???”
5. If people come over to my place, they’ll see if and think I’m interesting
“Imagine? They’ll all talk about you when you’re not around and say “WOW. That Natalie chick is super interesting. Did you see that old wooden box with the nostalgicky writing on the side? What a cool chick.” ”
5. MUST. BUY. NOW.
“This is the one item that represents everything I am totally and completely. If I don’t buy it, I am denying myself the opportunity to flower into the essence of myself”
6. Throw it in the closet.
“I don’t have anywhere to put this and I totally don’t need it. Chuck it in the back of the closet and never look at it again.”