Sitting in a Tree Weirdo
Family/Genus: “I want attention for being weird” weirdos
Habitat: Any area with low-slung tree branches.  Usually Trinity-Bellwoods Park, or the big field in front of CAMH
Markings: Brown puffer jacket
Voice: Hard to hear at first, the “Sitting in a Tree Weirdo” hums the theme song of “Step by Step” starring Suzanne Somers under his breath until an unsuspecting mother with child wanders under his “branch”. Then he suddenly sings at the top of his lungs in an attempt to scare the mother and traumatize the child for the rest of his/her life.
Other Identifying Characteristics: Sometimes, the “Sitting in a Tree” weirdo will just sit across from your condo building… watching your window… and humming other television theme songs from the circa 1998 TGIF line-up. 

Singing Loudly in Public Areas Weirdo
Family/Genus: “I want attention for being weird” weirdos
Habitat: Wide radius of nesting, this weirdo can camouflage himself easily – both within the most affluent of neighbourhoods and within less developed areas
Markings: Usually holding a back issue of “Now” (to check for auditions), wearing a black turtleneck, and overly-coiffed hair.
Voice: The “Singing Loudly in Public Areas Weirdo” is proud of his singing voice, and is not afraid to use time in public areas to perfect his craft.  Usually, he finds that singing very loudly is perfectly acceptable in the following environments: a crowded mall; a silent streetcar during rush-hour; a busy street on a Saturday afternoon, etc.  I mean, come on.  Why waste time conforming to social morés when you can polish up your rendition of “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” before your audition for an off-off-off broadway version of Les Mis?
Other Identifying Characteristics: An inability to recognize his own failure as an actor/singer/performer. 

Screaming at the Rim of the Dog Bowl Weirdo
Family/Genus: “I am actually insane” weirdos
Habitat: This weirdo can be spotted across the entire stretch of Queen Street, but centers his habitat around the 7-Eleven at Queen and Walnut, and is often seen walking at the top of the dog bowl in Trinity Bellwoods
Markings: Red and Navy Blue K-Way-ish jacket, full “Joaquin Phoenix as a crazy person” beard, and navy trucker hat
Voice: Loud and raspy, the “Screaming at the Rim of the Dog Bowl Weirdo” likes to describe his conspiracy theories very loudly with minimal clarity as he paces back and forth across the top of the dog bowl in Trinity Bellwoods park.   

Walks Up To You in the Elevator and Stands Really Close To You Weirdo
Family/Genus: “My Mother Didn’t Raise Me Right” weirdos
Habitat: The elevator at my work.
Markings: Early 80′s red suit jacket and frizzy blonde hair.
Voice: No voice.
Other Identifying Characteristics: This chick comes right up to yo’ face and just stands like, 6 inches away from you, facing you and staring at your face.  Fucking weird. 

Talking Into his Hand Like It’s a Cell Phone Weirdo
Family/Genus: “Strung out on drugs” weirdos
Habitat: This weirdo is only rarely seen and has a wide range in the west end.  Minimal sightings have occurred, since he has to actually be talking into his “hand-phone” to be identified.
Markings: Various
Voice: When talking into his “hand-phone”, the “Talking Into his Hand Like It’s a Cell Phone Weirdo” often screams absurdities that have no logical foundation.  Sometimes, he screams out recipes for pancakes, and other times, he can be heard describing “punks”. 

Talks to you Like You’re His Friend Weirdo
Family/Genus: “I don’t have any friends” weirdos
Habitat: Any sort of public area, but the “Talks to you Like You’re His Friend” weirdo really prefers public transportation.  This usually means you’re trapped next to him for at least a few stops, so he can tell you his life story, including any gross contagious sicknesses he has.
Markings: Varied
Voice: This weirdo’s voice is usually pretty high-pitched and continuous.  You can’t get him to stop talking.  Even if you say that you are listening to your ipod.  Even if you say that you are getting off at the next stop and actually get out of your seat.  Even if you tell him that a bear mauled you when you were young and you can no longer hear out of your left ear.  They still talk.
Other Identifying Characteristics: Sometimes, they have boogers hanging out of their nose that jiggle when they talk to you.  And you’re too polite to say anything.  And it’s horrible. 

Leering Weirdo
Family/Genus: “My Mother Didn’t Raise Me Right” weirdos
Habitat: Usually found on public transportation, these weirdos can also be seen standing in front of Portuguese sports bars on Dundas Street at around 3:00 pm on Sundays.
Markings: Varied, but usually wearing really light-washed baggy jeans and an old “Chicago Bulls” sweatshirt with the cuffs all raggedy. 
Voice: The “Leering Weirdo” does not have a voice.