Listen.  I don’t want to be all judgey, but I KNOW that men judge each other based on the beer that they select at the bar.  It’s pretty obvious that there is this ridiculous, unspoken hierarchy of beer that forms the foundation of the man-kingdom.  Well, GUESS WHAT?  Chicks judge you, too.  Especially chicks like me, who really like their beer.  So far, in my many years amassing knowledge in this veiled and complex science, I have formulated the following observations.  Here are a handful of beers and their respective “Man-Types”: 

Steam Whistle
Hello.  I am in College, or wish I were still in College, when people who drank Steam Whistle were seen as cool because at that time, it was a “craft brew”. Basically, I want people to think that I’m a big man who can handle a beer that tastes like asparagus piss, so I’m drinking a Steam Whistle. It tastes like asparagus piss, so I must be a BIG MAN.  Asparagus Piss. 

Heineken
I am a hipster from 2006.  

PBR
I am a hipster from 2007.  

Molson Stock Ale
I have much body hair and enjoy a beer that, based on the label, has the appearance of a 1970′s dark “gasoline” brew, but is actually quite smooth on the pipes. I might talk to you about deer… but not hunting deer… instead about the new concept ‘Canadiana’ restaurant on Dundas West that serves braised deer.  

Keiths, Canadian, Export, et al.
… really?  Natalie’s in the wrong bar, obviously. 

Corona
… see above… 

Hoegaarden
I am one of those douchers who likes getting the big Hoegaarden “trough” glass because it looks like I’m drinking SO MUCH MORE BEER THAN YOU ARE.  Plus I feel like SUCH a hilarious, hilarious funny hilarious guy when I order it and (incorrectly) say “Hoe”.
** Note from Natalie – It’s pronounced “hoo-gar-duhn”, not HOE-Garden.  You tool. 

Mill St. Organic
Natalie loves you. Let’s make out.  

Craft Brews
I am a big deal.  I am a beer connoisseur, you know.  I have visited the finest breweries in the bowels of Poland, Albania, and Tukmenistan, and have returned with the knowledge that other men would give their right testicle for.  Based on all of my beer knowledge, it is not the *scoff* big breweries that know how to brew beer.  It is Hamshifef, the small, amputee craft brew master in Albania who uses urine from the toilets of virgins to brew his delicious suds.
** A quick point from Natalie here… although many craft beers are good, why pay $8.00 for an obscure beer when you can spend $8.00 and get an MGD for both yourself AND NATALIE?? 

Rickards OR Dos Equis
I want to have the appearance of knowing about beer, but I just order whichever beer I think has the best commercial.  

Saint Andre
Natalie loves you. Let’s make out  

Guinness
I DON’T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, BUT I’M DRINKING GUINESS. I’M SUCH A BIG MAN. LOOK, YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE THROUGH THIS SHIT! I’m going to be pretty gassy later, though… like, atom-bomb farts.  So yeah.  Big man. 

MGD
Natalie loves you. Let’s make out.