Dear Chick Who Rode in the Elevator with Me This Morning,

Just because you put a blazer over your micro-miniskirt and titty-top doesn’t mean it’s business-appropriate.  I’m one jiggly elevator ride away from seeing your nipples, and it’s terrifying.  Here is my hypothesis for why you are deluded enough to think that your outfit is proper business-attire:

1. You work at Ashley Madison.  Although I have never worked at Ashley Madison, nor have I known or met anyone who works at Ashley Madison, I would assume that the dress code is as such: 

“Ashley Madison strives to project an image of professionalism that rivals an American Apparel ad and/or a low budget porn convention.  Acceptable items of clothing include: Fredrick’s of Hollywood bustier tops with titty-tassles, rubber catsuits, black pleather thigh-high boots with 7-inch goth heels, bumless pantyhose, and crotchless panties worn over hot pink wide-gauge fishnet tights.”

2. This is your first job ever and it’s your first day on the job so no one has told you what’s appropriate in the workplace and you love going to C Lounge and you have a date at C Lounge right after work at 5:05 pm and you don’t have time to go home and change into your slutty C Lounge outfit.

3. You have the hots for one of the guys you work with and you have no personality, so you are depending on the shadow of your nipple to attract him from across the break room.

Basically, you will never, ever, ever be taken seriously at work.  Unless you work at Ashley Madison.  In which case I’m sure you will rise through the ranks like a dink rising at the sight of a nipple shadow.

Love, Natalie