April, 2013

DIY Retro Kitchen Appliances



Remember this?  I likey.  I likey a lot.

You know why I likey so much?  Because it’s all poo-green like in the olden-days. I like the olden-days, much better than I like the current-days, mostly because of the appliance colours.  I mean, let’s be honest.  Appliance colours really do define the zeitgeist, more so than political change or social movements.  The main reason that the 2000’s sucked was because of all the stainless steel appliances.  You know what stainless steel appliances lead to?  Paris Hilton.  Obviously.  And nobody wants that.

Anyways, so the other day I was sitting on the floor of my kitchen, staring aimlessly into space as I often do, wondering how I could make my kitchen more old-timey without spending a jabillion dollars, as I often do.  And then I realized the solution was simple.

PAINT THAT SHIT.  Like… with house paint.

I submit as evidence, the kitchen scale that I bought for $2.00 at a yard sale last year:


It has a marginal retro vibe, yes.  But it is pretty boring.  IMAGINE IF THAT BAD BOY had an old-timey appliance colour?  I can guarantee no one would be selling it at a yard sale.  They’d be putting that shizz up on Etsy for like $150.00.  FYI: Old-timey appliance colours fall into the following brackets:

  • 50’s-60’s: mint green and like, farty pinks
  • 70’s: poo-greens and eyeball-attacking oranges
  • 80’s: anything with lasers painted on it

My kitchen has beautiful, imported, calm blue Italian glass tiles for a back splash (due to my MEGA BALLERDOM), and although I really like my poo-green Kitchenaid, I felt that a mint-green would be appropriately old-timey.

DIY Retro Kitchen Thingamajig


  • Appliance Thingamajig (i.e. yard-sale scale)
  • Can of paint (need ideas for colours?  I just gave you some.  Avert eyes upwards.)
  • Painter’s Tape
  • Paintbrush
  • An Exuberant Spirit and Positive Outlook (optional)

Step One:
Tape the areas that you don’t want to be all retro-looking (i.e. the areas that actual have functional parts and moving levers and pulleys and junk):


Step Two:
Prime the Thingamajig:


Step Three:
Paint it mint green.  Slap a coat of low-gloss polyurethane on it.  Bask in the glory of your mint-green success.  Put fruits on it.  Take pictures of it.  Instagram them.  And so on and so forth.


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One pair wedge sneakers.  New in box.  Make me an offer.

vince camuto

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I caved…

…and bought a pair of these damn things, like a damn-ass-loser-y follower:

Except mine aren’t $645.00.  And they’re not as moon-shoe-ish.

To redeem myself, I will say that I TOTALLY thought these things were SO ridiculous, then one morning I was going to get coffee and there was some gorgeous sinewy model-type in front of me wearing leggings and a pair of high tops with her blond hair all askew and wind-blown and SHIT, and I was all like “must. buy. impractical.and.ridiculous.sneakers”.  I am so disappointed in my lack of restraint.  Here are mine:

vince camuto
Well… yeah… they’re pretty moon-shoe-ish…


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I am not a baby person but I have no opposition to babies draped in puppies.  MORE HERE.

 baby puppy sammich 2

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This is what I think of people who don’t like my facebook status updates.

that's what I think

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I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I feel/am very uninteresting lately.  Every morning I think to myself  “Do I have something interesting to share with people in an online format?” and similarly, every morning I think to myself “No.  No I do not.”


But Molly doesn’t care – she give me stinky kisses regardless of my ability to wax philosophical-slash-make people interested in me.


As long as she has her gross old Green Ball and she has access to a sun beam, preferably both, I am the best/most interesting person on Earth.

In an attempt to keep my brain churning, I am at least working on a few projects to be revealed soon.  This one might be familiar if you follow the blog… another huge Slatty creation that is going up in a very special place.  This one will be for SALE, so if you want a huge Slatty Map, but don’t want to put in the MULTIPLE HOURS of back-breaking labour into making one (trust me, I forgot how much work goes into it…), you can buy it.  Willing to hear what you are willing to pay so that I can price it.  May I suggest THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of dollars in pure gold?  Feel free to pay that.


In other news, I am starting to plan for the garden much earlier this year, because now at least I have an inkling of what’s hiding under there.  Look at my damn-ass beautiful field of Crocuses.  I know.  It’s like I’m the Crocus Whisperer.



I have grandiose plans of buying annuals and actually planting window boxes and shit like a retired woman in Austria.  I imagine that is what retired women in Austria do – just spend the year planning out the window boxes to hang from their Austrian ski chalets and shit.

Finally, since I am a crazy person, I also have a whole other project in the works.  I haven’t really tested everything yet, but basically, it will be awesome.  TYPOGRAPHY!  CANADIANA!  WOOD!  All of the things that go into awesomeness will be present.  Stay tuned.


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