Another day another mumu. This time with a 70’s vibe. It makes my mumu slightly less depressing, but only slightly.
Due to my extremely large pimpness, I have managed to procure a full 6 place-setting of French china for about 15% of its retail cost from Bernardaud, which is like, extra fancy and only for rich people usually.
DO I NEED A FULL 6-PLACE SETTING OF FRENCH CHINA? Fuck no. But I wanted it.
Teacups are EXTRA FANCY. Especially when the saucers look like this:
JEALOUS YET? Well, GUESS WHAT? The design of china is SO FANCY that each different type of dish in the line has a similar-but-different design so that when you stack them all together it looks all extra-fancy and matched-but-mis-matched like SOMETHING EXTRA FANCY:
HAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA my fanciness is just too overwhelming for you, I know.
I will soon be having fancy-person dinner parties for the exclusive reason of using my fancy china and telling people “Oh, this china? No big deal.”
Yes, it’s the return of Outfit a Day.
Although being super-busy did make it difficult to post as often as I usually do, I will be honest and say that a large reason why I haven’t been Outfit-a-day-ing is because I’ve somehow gained about 30 pounds of lard from unknown circumstances.*
By posting my mumu-esque outfit today, I hope it will motivate me to get me my fat ass in gear and stop eating buttery lard-balls of bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Here’s hoping.
All that aside, my mumu is quite fabulous.
*I think we all know the circumstances around my lard. Croissant-based circumstances.
So, the other day I was shopping for a holiday outfit last minute, as is usually the case. It’s not that I *need* another outfit, it’s more that I enjoy the pressure of finding something new and completely unneeded at the last minute like a crazy person.
Being a magic wizard, I managed to find a vintage black long-sleeved jersey Vera Wang dress at a local vintage shop. I bet you want to punch me in the face. I know. If I weren’t me I would want to punch me in the face too.
Anyways, although the dress was beautiful and fit me like a sex-glove, it felt a little plain to be a “holiday” dress, so I started looking for some jewelry or something along those lines, and came across a shop selling these like, feather-shoulder-things with chains on them. They looked kind of cool so I wandered in and took a look.
They were some feathers. Some chains. There was also a price tag. For sixty bucks.
So in my mind I was all like – WTF, how is this sixty bucks?
Then the salesperson comes over and says “OH, those are from a Toronto artist, they are SO nice.”
And in my brain-hole I thought to myself “YEAH, one of your friends who lives in the city went to fucking Sussman’s on Queen and bought ten dollars worth of feathers and hot glued them together and added some cheap-ass chain.”
SO THEN I thought in my brain-hole “I CAN ALSO go to Sussman’s on Queen and buy ten dollars of feathers and hot glue them together.”
So I did.
Here is my DIY for feather epaulettes. Total cost with pins: $12.00.
You will need:
- 2 long brown feather fan-thingies (they come pre-fanned)
- 2 short brownish patterned feather fan-thingies
- Some pins
- Hot glue gun
Glue the small fans to the big fans. Sew on the pins. Pin that shit onto the shoulders of your fucking dress.
Don’t leave your vintage Vera Wang dress with newly affixed DIY feather epaulettes within reach of your dink-hole of a dog.
SHE RIPPED THAT SHIT APART. No remorse, either:
So after all that work I had to wear the plain dress with NO FEATHER EPAULETTES like a NO TALENT BUM.
After five glasses of wine and three beers I decided to forgive her when I got home at the end of the night.
I’m not going to go into tons of detail here for two reasons:
- I am still really super busy at work, and if you want me to go into tons of detail, you’re going to have to wait until I have more time, which will be a while, so DO YOU WANT TO WAIT OR DO YOU WANT TO JUST GET TO THE MONEY?
- The pictures are pretty enough to carry the weight of this post.
Arrived just in time for a glass of Bohemian Sparkling Wine (or Sekt) at Kavarna Slavia, which used to be an artsy-fartsy bohemian literary place where people thought big thoughts about big things. Sekt is essentially shitty sparkling wine. I was actually really excited to get a glass of Absinthe Sekt (which is exactly what it sounds like…), but go fucking figure, the only time I’m in Prague there is frigging balls vagina PROHIBITION in place because some stupid idiot accidentally laced their fucking bootleg booze with methanol and 19 people died, so all of the damn Absinthe was prohibited until they got that shit under control. After I left. Of course.
To make myself feel better I got a giant coconut sundae.
First morning the goal was to find a good, real, strong, delicious espresso. And I found one. It was delicious. And the sugar wasn’t granulated sugar, it was delicious SUGAR PASTE that you stir into your coffee. Everything in Europe is in delicious paste form.
I’m not sure if I told you about this (if not, I’m sure you can tell by my thigh jiggles), but I am obsessed with croissants. The croissant pictured below was awesome, so I decided to have one every day for the rest of my trip.
The main square in Prague is really beautiful – there’s, you know, just some random big freaky Bohemian church just abutted to some random houses, and when I ask people – “WOW, what is the deal with that church?” Everyone is all like “Meh, it’s just some church.” If that church were in Canada, the Prime Minister would spooge gold all over it everyday and announce it Canada’s prize jewel and we would have a “National Freaky Church Day” holiday every year.
It was a bit drizzly when I was walking around taking pictures, but I was not upset about it at all – it kept the AVALANCHE of tourists at bay, and I thought the colourful umbrellas made my pictures significantly more arty.
This clock is an astronomical clock that makes a whole bunch of whistles and dingies and diddles and whoo-has every hour on the hour. However, the REAL spectacle is watching the huge, overwhelming crowd of tourists fight each other to take the exact same picture of the clock over and over again while trying to push each other out of the way. It’s heartwarming.
I lucked out here because it was like, 8:00 am and raining.
Pictures of things:
There is a story about the statue below that some chick stuck her head in the empty head-hole and she got stuck and no one could pull her head out and they had to call the fire department and when they finally pried her head out of the head hole she had AGED INTO AN OLD WOMAN.
This is one of the Opera Houses. Yes. One of them. I went to it later to watch the opera. I’ll tell you about that later.
A quick walk across Charles Bridge to take some pictures…
Theeeeen a walk up a million stairs to visit Prague Castle. It’s a Castle in Prague.
The Castle is really a giant network of buildings that takes about 7 hours to visit. In case you were scheduling your time. Which I didn’t.
Below is the cathedral. Pretty mind-blowing.
Arty rain photo, comin’ up:
Here is me in an old mirror. Also some torture devices that they used on prisoners.
Hey, just a friendly tip – if you’re planning on visiting Europe, you better f-ing LOVE looking at churches over and over and over and over. And over. And over. Here is more church-related photography:
Hee hee hee little church boys.
The castle is up on a hill, giving you multiple arty views of the city.
Anyway, after spending hours at Prague Castle, I went to a market. They had sex dice.
Dice that you throw and then it tells you how to do it. I was going to buy some but then I didn’t due to my cowardly nature. I was also going to take a picture but I didn’t because I didn’t want to offend the sex dice vendor because, like, maybe it’s a normal and not a hilarious thing to have sex dice in Prague, and you know, I want to be respectful of other countries’ sex practices. So I took a picture of some people standing around:
They also had freaky marionettes. They had sex dice and freaky marionettes.
I have many other stories to regale you with. Some sex dice related, some not. Most not.