So the next day at Oktoberfest was my birthday. Truth. Birthday at Oktoberfest like a piiiiiimp. I was pretty excited, because it gave me an excuse to do the following things on my birthday without being seen as a “self indulgent weirdo”:
- Dress in costume;
- Drink copious amounts of beer; and
- Demand attention from old German men.
As you can see, the day had all the ingredients to be amazing. We had reservations at the Schottenhamel Tent and we got started early.
So, apparently there is this thing at Oktoberfest where you buy people you “like” cookies that have various German sayings on them. Since my friends are completely awesome, they all pitched in to buy me a HUGE (and expensive) German necklace cookie that said “Happi Borsdai”. It was like two feet across and like ten pounds.
We started the day with some ‘cheese paste’ and turnips with salt on them. You know, the good stuff.
They really like their salted turnips. Trust me. Look how drunk I am already:
Alright, let’s get down to the nuts.
There’s this thing at Oktoberfest called “chugging”. If you haven’t heard of it before, it’s when you “chug” the contents of your beer down your throat all fast-like. Since the steins at Oktoberfest are a full litre, it’s understandably a big deal when you chug your stein. There is this tradition around it and everyone goes MENTAL when you chug. ESPECIALLY if you are a girl. So the deal is this:
- Stand up on your table
- Chug your beer to the insane drunk cheers of your thousands of new European friends
If you succeed in chugging your whole beer, you get to revel in the idolatry of inebriated old German men while sunlight shines down on you like in the beginning of The Lion King when Moufasa holds Simba up in the air. If you fail, you get simultaneously pelted with pieces of old pretzels by hundreds of people.
So… it was my birthday…
And… I can chug a tidy beer…
And… I had on my giant birthday cookie of confidence.
So I decided that today was the day that I was going to stand on my table and chug a litre of beer.
Let me preface this story by saying I intentionally traded in my “half full” stein of beer for a “totally full” stein of beer before I started chugging because I didn’t want to be a “giant pussy”.
Let’s view the video below to see how things went:
YEAH. I was about 2/3rd of the way through my LITRE of beer, when the German security guard stopped me.
WHY??? You ask?
BECAUSE APPARENTLY, girls aren’t “allowed” to chug full steins. GIRLS AREN’T ALLOWED. That’s what the guy told me after.
Now, I can understand that this rule is *probably* based on past experience they’ve gathered from years of girls trying to chug full steins then projectile barfing all over everyone. However. THOSE GIRLS AREN’T NATALIE. Natalie can chug a litre of beer then ace a Physics exam.
At least I can take comfort in the fact that the whole tent of drunk people was on my side and booed the security guard then threw a bunch of pretzels at him.
The thesis of this story, as you can probably tell by my previous displays of awesomeness, is that I AM TOO HARDCORE FOR OKTOBERFEST.
Anyways, I was happy that I worked up the nerve to even try. Incidentally, should you ever try to chug a litre stein, here is a tip – make sure you take a deep fucking breath, because it’s not the beer that’ll get ‘cha, it’s the fact that your nose and mouth are fucking sealed off in a glass with no oxygen for like a minute.
Personally, I was *SO* nervous that I was breathing like an overweight Texan, so it was ten times worse. Here is an artist’s rendition:
The table next to us was full of nice German people, and they took a liking to us, probably because we were playing Uno, which is apparently the United Nations of card games.
They were SO nice that they even gave us their desserts, which were the most fucking delicious apple crisp things with apple sauce on the side EVER.
In the afternoon we decided to walk around the fairgrounds and go on roller coasters and drink more beer. This roller coaster is called the Munchen Pooping, and it was in the shape of the Olympic rings.
Since Munich hosted the Olympic games in 1972, and since there is no real other reason for it to be in the shape of the Olympic rings OTHER than the fact that it was built for the Olympics, that makes this roller coaster (that gets torn down and rebuilt every year by carnies) FORTY YEARS OLD. I did not ride it. I chose to stay back and drink more beer in the sun with my giant cookie.
That night, we went to an amazing dinner at a German restaurant and I ate more ‘cheese paste’ and salted turnips. IT WAS AMAZING.
I also was instructed to bring my giant cookie to ensure my embarrassment would be as prolonged as possible, which was also amazing.
Plus, the restaurant was so wonderful and nice that they gave me a free ceramic birthday stein.
Incidentally, with my toque and my weird cookie and my cup everyone thought I looked like a homeless person and we were so drunk that it was hilarious to everyone.
Best Oktoberfest birthday ever. Despite lack of full chug. Here is an arty picture I took while we walked home drunk:
Tomorrow, my last day at Oktoberfest :(, but then on to more European adventures… stay tuned.