On Friday, I went to see “Immortal – the Michael Jackson Thing With Some Cirque Du Soleil Stuff In It“.  I was pretty excited.  Before I go into details, let’s just look at this picture:

Oh yeah. 

Although I know that some of my friends who were there really enjoyed it (sorry Kels), I did not.  I found it very:

1. Poorly Planned;
2. Creepy; and
3. Cheesy.

Let me explain.  Although the video in the link above would lead you to believe that the content of the show is all explosive, high-energy representations of his smash-rock hits, it fails to let you know about the super-duper cheesy and creepy elements of the show.  And when I say “creepy”, I don’t mean, like, super-cool Thriller creepy, with like zombies and blood and shit.  That’s “Awesome Creepy”  I mean “creepy” as in the following examples:

• Starting the show with “Have You Seen my Childhood”, and wheeling a 40-foot doll-version of young Michael onto the stage, where he proceeds to creepiliy two-hand-wave through a 50-foot window, “Chuckie-from-Child’s-Play“-esque.  It also had children laughing in the background, and a hot-air balloon holding ANOTHER doll-version of Michael in it that bobbed around awkwardly for some reason. 

So. Totally.  Creepy.

• Trying to infuse some kind of philosophical and social message into every single slow song (about 6), such as “having all of the dancers walk PAINFULLY slowly to the center of the stage holding glowing hearts”.  Then walk to the back of the stage.  Then spread out in the center of the stage.  Then the song slowly fades out, and the hearts stop glowing.  THIS WAS THE ONLY THING THAT HAPPENED DURING THAT ENTIRE SIX MINUTE SONG.  There was also a “Save our environment” song, that had horrible CGI butterflies flying in the background, a “We’re all the same” song that had weird old-timey pictures floating across the screen in weird gilded CGI picture frames, and a “look at all the flags from around the world!” song, where people ran around with flags. 
• Deciding to have all the skinny chicks wear sparkle-y bikinis for no reason.  Like the main cellist.  She happened to have a good body, so they decided to bring her out to the center of the stage and play the CELLO in her bikini.  Fucking weird.
• Having sequences that make no sense.  Like this one song, they brought out huge wire heads of animals on stage, with people sitting inside.  A wire head of a giraffe, a lion, an elephant and a tiger.  Then some guy ran around the stage and gently swung them back and forth.  That was it.  Why did this occur?  What purpose did it serve?  How is this interesting at all?  The song wasn’t about animals or anything like that.  I kept thinking that the people were going to do some kind of cool acrobatic thing within the wire-heads.  But no.  They just swung. 
• Busting out the “MJ” stereotypes SO HARD in the STUPIDEST ways.  For example…

What’s that on-stage?  Oh, it’s a person in a full-body diamond-studdded glove costume, dancing around next to a chick in a sparkle-y bikini playing the guitar.  So totally not weird.

Oh, that there?  Those are a pair of HUGE black loafers with white socks, except instead of feet inside, there are two people, jumping up and down to make the shoes move.  So totally not weird.

They also had a cameo from “Bubbles the Chimp“, Michael’s pet chimp who he treated as a child.  It was a human in a chimp costume with overalls on.  He danced around “chimp-styles” for a bit, then later came on to an elevated saucer-type DJ station over the main stage and STARTED DJ-ING.  YES.  Bubbles the chimp came on to DJ.  So totally not weird.

Finally, the decision to show it in a huge amphitheater like Air Canada Centre was stupid.  It’s way too big.  I couldn’t see any of the acrobatics, and the stupid HUGE screen (with horrible, horrible, horrible graphics on it.  Like horrible) was really, really distracting. 

I think the poor dancers expected everyone to be all rocking-out and dancing, and clapping along to the music.  I saw no evidence of that, and it made things even more awkward.  Except this one woman was losing her shit:

The only two parts of the whole show that were actually effective were when they had a bunch of guys come on to do “Billie Jean” wearing suits that has these lights down the side.  It looked really cool.  The thriller sequence was ok.  Only ok.

Sigh.

This is a good Monday outfit – I feel like I look pretty good, and it’s comfortable around the bumluar area to camoflauge all the Halloween candy I consumed at the Shoebox Sale this weekend.

Speaking of the sale – this silky, tonal leopard-print 80′s shirt was on sale and no one bought it for some reason.  It was priced at like $12.00 and it’s so totally cute – I mean the shoulder-gather?  The poufy-but-not-too-poufy shoulders?  So I took it and I’m keeping it.   You lost your chance.

Damn ass poo casual day.  Casual day is the worst when you’ve gained 7 pounds and all of your jeans are slightly too tight.  Like, they still fit, but are juuuuust tight enough that you are uncomfortable when you sit all day and you feel like people at work think that you’re being a hoe-ball because your jeans are too tight. My hair looks fucking awesome, though.

Other than that, I love my Sandro military blazer.  It used to have this chain and stone thing on the shoulders, but I took it off because it looked a little too Michael Jackson.

Sorry, I’m one day behind on my outfits.  Yesterday I wore a super-bright purple high-waisted skirt.  It has an “80′s cut”, meaning that the waist is super small, and the hips are super big.  Which fits my super small waist and super big hips.  And it hides the ol’ whale thighs.  And it’s purple.

I think it looks pretty cool.

You are so totally perfect, Paul Newman.

I hate hate hate hate hate living in a place that has no shit up on the walls, but I don’t want to put no shit on the walls until my shit is all put away, so it’s this endless struggle between the “putting away of shit” and “putting shit on the walls”.  Toughest life, ever.

Anyways, there are a couple of “areas” in my place that seem ready to be “arted all up”.  First, my Dave Murray print found a nice tidy home in my foyer.  Makes me feel all Queen-West-Parkdale-y.

Second, one of my super-amazing Doublenaut prints finally got all framed up. 

I had originally reserved this “Ghost Goat” print for my office at work, but then:

1. I realized that my super-conservative workplace (where everyone has paintings of fruit and landscapes from 1994 on their walls) would like balk at an image of a goat-with-one-eye-slash-two-people-blowing-a-simultaneous-bubble-slash-reverse-teardrop-brain-explosion.
2. I like it too much to put in my office.  AND it matched my vintage mid-century table lamps – same teal and coral colours, same graphic lines.  So it was a no-brainer.

 I also put up some of my “I’m a super fancy and arty photographer” photos that I took years ago at school.  They’re pretty awesome. 

I still have SO MUCH ART to put up on the walls, including two pieces that I’m going to paint myself.  We’ll see how that shit turns out.

In other news, I bought a steamer.  Yes, exciting.  I know. 

But seriously, it’s totally exciting!  I have always dreamed of getting one of those supa-sick steamers that you see in clothing stores that DEMOLISH wrinkles and look so easy to use.  I bought a stupid Conair one a few years back and it sucked poo nuggets, so I’ve been researching clothing steamers like a super-cool dude, and discovered that the best clothing steamers in the world are “Jiffy” brand from like Tennessee or something.

So I found one on craigs, because I’m a ruthless maniac when it comes to craigs.  It’s so serious-looking:

It’s a JIFFY, BABY!

SO STEAMY!

Here is a “before” and “after”.  Sorry about the pics.  I need to get my blog-photography shit together…

And finally, my latest vintage score: Winklefords!

Oxfords x Winklepickers!

Please excuse the whaleyness of my thighs.

I look like a chick from an 80′s movie about business women.  Slutty pencil skirt?  Check.  Oversized 80′s blouson-y blouse with pan collar?  Check.  Oversized gold stud earrings?  Check.  Too bad I have my iPhone instead of a cell phone from the 80′s, or you’d hardly be able to tell that I’m living in future-times.

It’s that time of year again!!!

Time for our FINAL, HUGE, MEGA, “MAKE US A DEAL”, END-OF-SEASON SALE!!!!

This means that we are ready to pack our stuff up for the winter, and are ready to make some DEALS on our fabulous and rare vintage and pre-owned inventory!!!  It ALSO means that you will have an opportunity to get a WICKED-COOL, ONE OF A KIND Hallowe’en costume that is super snazzers.  Les deets:

WHEN:  Sat. October 22 and Sun. October 23
TIME: 11:00 am to 4:00 pm daily
WHERE: 102 Bellwoods Ave (just east of Trinity Bellwoods Park, between Queen W and Dundas)
WHO: YOU!  And your monies.

FAQ:
Will there be new vintage and pre-owned stuff? YES!
Will there be a 50% off rack? YES!
Will there be a FREE bin? YES!
Will there be the perfect piece for your hallowe’en costume? YES!
Will there be hallowe’en candy and beers? YES and YES!
Will I look as super-fantastic as Sarah in these clothes?  MAYBE!

We’ll be selling clothing, shoes, and accessories from Marc Jacobs, Manolo Blahnik, Prada, Missoni, Pendleton, Betsey Johnson, Christian Louboutin, Club Monaco, Banana Republic, BCBG, Bench, and MUCH MUCH MORE!  Whaaaaaa?  YA.  I know.  Mind-blowing.

This sale will have all our vintage selections PLUS our pre-owned styles so there will be a lot to see and we’re SO ready to make deals. So come on over this weekend to shop and chill with us.

Cash only.  But we also accept blank cheques.

Although I’m basically just wearing a black sheath dress today, I fancied-er all up with my gold-and-black “classy stripper” shoes, and my gold-and-black geometric 80′s thingie necklace.

The real story of this outfit is that I’ve gained 7 pounds and nothing fits but dresses because they usually have some “breathing room” for fatness overload.

This last weekend sucked balls, for a variety of reasons.

But let’s start with my ONE positive experience.  My friend Annie was having a birthday party, and since it was a milestone birthday, her friends decided to make it an over-the-top celebration of her many years in existence.  They basically tried to re-enact the birthday parties she used to have as a kid.

The theme of the birthday was “Northern Reflections circa 1989″, which is the most amazing idea of all time.  Here are some of the interpretations of this theme:

What did I wear?  I happen to have a wicked cool “horses riding in the plains” T-Shirt…

Yey!  Wyld Stallyns.

A couple of important points here…

1. I actually bought this shirt for realsies off ebay because I wanted a “horses riding in the plains” shirt… this was not purchased as a “joke” like everyone else, which made me feel a bit like a loser;
2. The “Northern Reflections” theme is only slightly captured in my T-Shirt.  It really should have been, like, some loons in a pond, or mallard ducks flying over some swamp reeds to truly be “Northern Reflections”-esque;
3. I’m pretty sure I’ve worn this exact outfit to the bar in the last year;
4. This:

Anyways, I had a great time.

Now, let’s recap the horror that was the rest of my weekend.

First, Friday night, I was scheduled to pick up a craigslist item to pimp up my new pad.  I’ve been looking for a vintage arc light for some time, and although I really really like the Castiglioni Arco Lamp by Flos, it’s like $2600.00, and I am not as rich as an astronaut.  I was thinking of getting a replica complete with marble base and beautiful brushed chrome head, but it was still like $400.00, and I thought I could find something cheaper on craigs.  I did.

Here it is… I paid $100.00, but I have to get a new shade, because the filter is missing…

It’s pretty awesome, I’m not going to lie.  HOWEVER, being super excited and antsy to get it home, I STUFFED it into my Corolla like a high-strung squirrel, not realizing that the head of the lamp was squashed against the windshield.

I got into my car, happily driving down Yonge street, excited about the weekend, when I heard

“CRRRRAAAACK”

Yeah.  My fucking windshield cracked. 

I freaked out and tried to re-position the lamp while I was weaving in and out of traffic, and heard another

“CRRRAACCK”

Yeah, it cracked again.  In a different place.  I burst into tears and continued driving home.

Now, I don’t know if you know this, but cracking your windshield SUCKS SHIT.  You have to go get it replaced virtually immediately, because it will keep getting bigger AND it reinforces the cage of your car, so if you get into an accident, it’s more likely that your roof will collapse on your head, causing head-damage.

Here is a picture of the cracks…

So I went the next morning to get the windshield fixed.  It was not covered by my insurance.  Here is a summary:

• Cost of windshield replacement: $477.00
• Cost of lamp: $100.00
• Total Cost: $577.00
• Cost of replica lamp that I didn’t want to get because it cost too much: $395.00

I hate myself.

In addition to the “idiot fee” that I had to pay for trying to get that monster lamp into my Corolla, I also had to spend 4 hours of my Saturday waiting for the windshield to get fixed.  Despite the *multiple* adult video stores and discount Christian book stores in the area, I didn’t want to hang out at Dundas and Royal York, so I took the damn ass poo Go Train to visit my parents in Oakville.

Booooooooooooo.  Go Train.

Although my mom and dad made me feel much better, and fed me chili and apple squares, and took me to buy a microwave for the new place, and actually DROVE ME BACK TO TORONTO so that I wouldn’t have to take the Go Train back, because they are awesome… I was feeling down.

Being an idiot, I decided to the rest of Saturday afternoon to run some errands in Etobicoke because I was in the neighbourhood, and am now an old suburban soccer mom for some reason.

First, I went to Costco to return something. 

Costco on Saturday is the most ridiculous shit on Earth.  If I were an alien, coming down to Earth to examine human behaviour, I would be fascinated at Costco on Saturday.  There are SO MANY PEOPLE I can’t even fucking believe it.

Booooooo.  People.

I don’t really get why you would come out to this warehouse STUFFED with THOUSANDS of people, wait in line forever, and buy HUGE boxes of shit in order to save like, 5 dollars.  I just don’t get it.

Also, I almost got into 17 accidents in the parking lot because as soon as you leave Toronto you have to drive at 20 km an hour and never look around you, as I soon learned from the other drivers in the Costco parking lot.  It’s the suburban law.

It’s also a law in the suburbs that you have to TAKE UP AS MUCH ROOM AS POSSIBLE at all times.  Like this guy in front of me in the “Returns” line.  He was returning a pack of sheets, but obviously, he had to keep the sheets in a HUGE shopping cart so that AS MUCH ROOM AS POSSIBLE was taken up:

Boooooooooooooo.  Man sucks.

I thought maybe he had a bad back or something, but no.  As soon as it was his turn, he SHOVED the cart into a crowd of people, picked up the sheets, and CHUCKED it at the counter for his return.

Being an idiot, I then went to Ikea and Canadian Tire to return some other stuff, and buy some odds and ends for the place.

Boooooooo.  Take a number and wait like a chump.

I left the house at 9:30 am that morning, and returned back at 7:30 pm.

WHAT A GREAT SATURDAY.

On Sunday, I had to go BACK to Ikea because the thing I wanted was coming in on Sunday for some reason. 

Booooooo.  Bjursta.

And I had a $4.00 lunch in the cafeteria which was certainly dripping with fatness-generating molecules…

Boooooooo.  Fatness.

And then I had to go to Canadian Tire again, because the thing I bought the day before (blue roman blinds) looked shitty in my bedroom, and I had to return them.

Incidentally, did you know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to find white roman blinds?  What the fuck?  I went to Ikea, West Elm, Home Outfitters, Sears, The Bay, Pottery Barn, Pier One, Canadian Tire, Home Depot and Home Sense.  NO ONE HAS WHITE ROMAN BLINDS.  FUCK!  I’ve been changing clothes crouching down on my knees in the only awkward corner of my room that is not visible through the front window for 3 weeks now because I can’t find a roman blind.

Anyways, after that, I went grocery shopping because I’ve been eating take-out for 3 weeks due to lack of time, and have gained 7 pounds.

Booooooooo.  Fatness.

As you can see, despite the weight gain, I chose to buy several different forms of cheese as well as bacon.

Grocery shopping on Saturday at 6 pm after a shitty weekend is really depressing and shitty:

Boooooooooo.  Depressing grocery aisles.

I left the house on Sunday at 11:30 and got home at 7:00 pm.

Here is a summary of my weekend:

Hours spent running errands: 17.5
Hours spent at party: 5
Hours spent sleeping: 13
Hours spent relaxing and enjoying my life: 1
Tears shed over the allotment of hours above: 0
Amount of stress units generated by the allotment of hours above: a billion

Money spent unnecessarily due to idiotic packing of arc light into car: $477.00
Tears shed over said money: a billion