June, 2011

June 30th, 2011

Jesus H Chrizzle, it’s the last day of June. It’s the start of the long weekend tonight… summer BETTER get in my grill tonight. HARD.

I got this yellow silk shirt in Austin on a whim, and it’s turned into a piece that I’m liking more and more.  I mean, it’s bright yellow!  And it has cool-ass-bitch utility pockets! AND A PAN COLLAR.  I fucking love Pan Collars.

First I  had it tucked in, but I wearing low-waisted jeans, and when you tuck baggy flowy shirts into low-waisted jeans, you look like a fat potato.  Well, I look like a fat potato.  So I untucked it and am all loose and breezy.

I’m being reeeaaaally minimalistic lately with my accessories lately.  Every time I put on a necklace or earrings, I feel like I look all fussy… like an old woman trying to look young.  So fuck that shit.  No jewelry for me.   However… in order to not be TOTALLY boring, I buttoned up my shirt to the top (LOVE THAT FUCKIN’ PAN COLLAR).  And added this fluffy brown fluffer thingamajig.  I love it.

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Tales of Cali Nat: Candybars and Fistfights

Sooooo my days working in California were up in Silicon Valley – home of the young, self-righteous male nerd.  Now, I’m as much of a nerd-lover as the next “trying to be hipster while maintaining a Corporate life” gal, but I like my nerds ironic and modest.  I do NOT like nerds who are flat out socially inept and self-involved.  This brand was the latter.

My entire hotel was populated with two generations of male nerds (ALL MALE.  Females apparently do not know how to thrive in the software industry, based on empirical evidence gathered at my hotel.  Like, seriously.  I was, like, the ONLY chick in the entire restaurant/lobby/what-have-you.)  The “first generation” dot-com nerd from the Gen X era, and the “second generation” web 2.0+ nerd.  Let me lay this out for you:

1st Gen Nerd:Used to have a goatee, play hacky sack, and wear Mudhoney T-Shirts.  Got rich in software.  Totally sold out to The Man, and now drives a Mybach and drinks $500.00 bottles of wine at lunch.   Looks over at Natalie with a “what is that GIRL doing here?” expression.

2nd Gen Nerd:Is currently pitching a start-up Social Networking or Web 2.0+ venture with 1st Gen Nerd.  Wears khakis from Banana Republic with an unbuttoned-at-the top dress shirt, with a horrible, horrible, horrible pair of “gasoline lens” Oakleys on the top of his head.  Looks over at Natalie with a “what is that GIRL doing here?” expression.

While I was quietly sitting on the terrace eating my oatmeal…

…I had to endure multiple three-person conversations that went something like this:

1st Gen Nerd #1:
1st Gen Nerd #2:   Potential Investor
2nd Gen Nerd:      Seeking Investor

1st Gen Nerd #1: “Hi there “So-and-so”, nice to see you again?  How did that embedded synapse glitch end up working out?  Last year it was such a huge problem!  HA HA HA!  Anyways, This is “so-and-so”, he’s VP of Ball-licking at “Hypercompuglobalmeganet”.

2nd Gen Nerd:HA HA HA.  YES.  Programming is so hilarious and interesting.  Anyways, hello so-and-so, it’s so nice to meet you.  I believe you know my acquaintance “so-and-so”, he’s Vice President of Innovative Innovations and Other Inspiring Words at “Websiteandwebsiterelateditems”.

1st Gen Nerd #2: HA HA HA.  Yes.  “So-and-so” and I are friends.  Our wives shop together with our millions of dollars.  I hear around the Valley that your new project is getting a lot of attention. 

2nd Gen Nerd: Yes, I really think it’s the next Facebook/Twitter/Groupon/Linkedin/Generic Social Networking reference.  Can I pull out my MacBook Pro and take you through a programming simulation at this restaurant, next to this girl who is clearly trying to enjoy herself?

1st Gen Nerd #2: Of course!  Please talk loudly and use a lot of programming references that are really esoteric so that we look smart in front of this stranger.

2nd Gen Nerd:  HA HA HA.  Yes.  Programming is hilarious and interesting.  Let us begin!  First, I utilized an embedded codec template that is much more elegant on the back-end due to less keystrokes blahblahblahblahblah, etc.

So that was awesome.

It was actually so bad and annoying that one night I chose to stay in my room and eat a cylinder of treat-sized candy bars for dinner. 

Well…. let’s be honest.  I probably would have eaten the cylinder of treat-sized candy bars regardless.  But still.  I was annoyed. 

Other than that, Palo Alto was very cute.  The downtown area was adorable – like a rich-man’s Main Street  (you know… a Main Street with designer yogurt places and a Restoration Hardware).  Plus, I got up every morning in the PERFECT weather and did laps in the pool.  It made me very happy.  Especially when I was done my laps and the sun was rising and I got to sit in the hot tub for 10 minutes before the crushing duty of work started to descend:

So, I was very excited when the work week ended and I was able to leave the hotel and head to San Francisco.   As I was pulling out of the hotel, I saw this sick bike:

I mean, that’s neither here nor there, but it was a cute bike and it looked so cute standing up against the wall with the valet tag on it. 

Anyways.  So I got picked up by a friend who lives in San Fran – he GENEROUSLY drove me from Silicon Valley to San Fran on Friday afternoon when the traffic SUCKED.

Check out that fog.  That’s San Francisco.  Foggy as hell.

I checked into the new hotel, chucked my stuff and got ready to enjoy my vacation (read: DRINK.).

Them San Francisconians love their sake.  Sake, sake, everywhere:

I decided to do as the Romans do and ordered the Black Raspberry Sake. 

It tasted reaaaaal sweet.  Like I drank vodka and a Jolly Rancher and burped it back up.  I decided enough was enough and went back to beer.

Then, we went to Tsunami, a sushi place that was a last minute decision, but actually very tasty. 

So, full of Sushi, and a little bit of sake, and a lottle bit of beer, we teetered down to an Ethopian Restaurant down the street that apparently turns into a cool hipster bar at night.  It was actually really cool.  The Whiskerman likes to hang out in the girl’s bathroom.

As the night progressed, I think we were all feeling a little tired and ready to leave, when I big ol’ fistfight broke out behind us – apparently two guys who had just met got into a fight about a pool game.  So one guy, like, pummeled his face and threw him right at our table (well, right at one of the girls at our table, who was fortunately not hurt), THEN, started kicking him on the floor right next to us.  Craziness.

AND the cockus spilled our beer:

Of course I made the compulsory “What a dick”, and “Why do guys have to fight like frigging coked-out shit-heads?” comments… truth is… it’s always kinda exciting to be around a fight when it breaks out.  I have never been in a fistfight because I am a total coward and, well, I don’t get very mad very often…

…but I think I have a pretty heafty amount of surpressed rage that would release in an electric display of rotating punches should the opportunity arise…

Stay tuned tomorrow, when my weekend REALLY starts.  I drink a LOT of beer, get called a man by a homeless dude, AND I stain my clothes with something gross-looking.

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June 29, 2011

So much nude.  So very much.  I’m like a monochromatic nude rainbow.

Necklace party!

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Tales of Cali Nat: Day One – Travel, travel, travel, POOL!

I was headed down to California for work, so my first three to four days aren’t really boner-bustingly interesting, but I still think they were fun, so here goes…

Firstly, my flight was on the 14th of June at 10:00 am on Air Canada.  The Air Canada ticketing agent strike started at 00:01 on June 14th.  Which was pretty awesome.  So, I called a few people and tried to determine what to do – I was told to “go earlier”.  So I left at 5:45 am for my 10:00 am flight.  I got to the airport just after 6:00 am. 


Yes, indeed.  Corporate greed hurts everyone.  Especially me, going down to California to drink expensive beer and wine.  Daaaaaamn yoooooou Corporate Fat Cats!  

So, obviously, since the Air Canada ticketing agents MUST have a set of IRREPLACEABLE skills that would warrant a chaotic air travel environment during strike action, I assumed that me arriving early was a wise decision.

It took me 30 minutes to go through the ticketing desk, customs, and security.


When Air Canada ticketing agents are NOT on strike, it takes me OVER TWO HOURS.  Yeah.  Not too sympathetic when replacement workers are MULTIPLE TIMES more efficient than the unionized workers.   Anyhoo, so I ended up having to wait three hours in the terminal for my flight.  So I got a manicure!  Hooray for strikes!  Best strike day ever!


I chose “South Beach” as the colour for my manicure.  I’m preeettttty fancy:


Here’s my travelling outfit.  I’m always amazed at how horribly, horribly, unfashionable everyone is at the airport.  Except for me, of course:

Here is my view outside of the plane window.  The Earth looks like a BRAIIIN:


Little known fact that Air Canada only serves free nuts and munchies on flights less than 3 hours, so if you’re on a flight that is 5 hours (like me), you have to buy food with your credit card.  It’s also useful to know that you should probably call your credit card company to let them know you’re travelling, so that they don’t freeze your card when you’re trying to buy a plane-sandwich in front of 80 people in an enclosed space who are all looking at you and waiting for you to finish.  You also can’t buy anything with cash on a plane.  So I continued to starve as we touched down in San Fran.

Prior to leaving Toronto, I decided to be responsible and take out 80.00 USD so that I had some cash when I arrived.  Thank gaad, because I was SO hungry that I’m pretty sure my stomach was starting to fold over and cannibalise itself.  So I bought a croissant for 4.00.  It was stale and gross.

On to the cab.  Remember how my credit card was frozen?  Remember how I took out $80.00?  Remember how I used $4.00 of it to buy a croissant?  Yeah.  A cab to my destination costs $79.00.

I ended up having to take a shared van with the most incompetent driver I’ve ever dealt with.  When I told him my hotel, he actually said:

“Ok, so I’ll just drive towards the city and you tell me where to get off and turn.”  …which is not really what you want to hear when you are relying on a cab to take you to a hotel in an unfamiliar city.

We ended up driving through Stanford and getting lost and it took 2 hours to get to the hotel.  Les balls. 

After debriefing with my work peeps, I decided that it was high time I hit the pool.  And drank a beer.


And stared at the underside of an umbrella.

Since I was “working”, I got to expense my dinner.  Which means I get to eat a lot.

Unnecessarily complex drinks!

Gigantic Pizza!

Dessert with a crispy wafer hat!

Of course, due to my large balls, I had a fantastic little gift waiting for me later that night.  A huge plate of fresh fruit with some dried fruit on the side and a big bottle of fancy water.  No big deal.  Large balls.

Time to take a long, luxurious bath with my fruit plate.

Stay tuned for tomorrow – when I overhear a pitch for the next big social networking tool, I eat a dinner of candy bars, and I finally get to start my vacation!

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Is That…

…something around that guy’s neck?  …yeah, there’s something there. 

Is it a f-ing SNAKE?

Yes.  It’s an albino python.  Around that guy’s neck.  On a motorcycle.  In traffic.  Amazing.

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June 28, 2011

Sooooooooo  it’s possible that I wore this exact outfit while gettin’ some business done in California.  And it’s ALSO possible that somebody stopped me and said to me “Wow, you have great style – like a mix between Audrey Hepburn and Coco Chanel” (right now the outfit looks a little boring, but I think I was wearing my Carmen Sandiego hat…).  It’s also possible that this made me so happy that I almost plottzed in my pantaloons.

So I’m wearing it again today. 

In case you haven’t noticed, I can’t get enough of pink and red and oranges all clashed-up lately.  It makes me so happy that I almost plotz in my pantaloons.

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You’re Boring Now.

Regina Spektor – Fidelity by reginaspektor

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June 27, 2011

YEY!  I’m back from sunny, sunny California!  I’m definitely going to tell you all about it… it involved lots of vintage shopping, lots of beer drinking, lots of burrito-eating, and lots of sunshine.  Stay tuned.

In the interim, it’s time to return to my self-indulgent ‘Outfit A Day’ series!

This vintage silk dress from Austin has a bit of history to it.  When I bought it, those blue fans had run a little bit and there were, like, secret blue fan stains all over the chestal region of the dress.  I tried washing it and washing it, but the damn-ass-poo blue fan stains wouldn’t come out.   HOWEVER – for some stupid reason, I decided to throw it in with my horrible pink-laundry explosion disaster wash, and the dress came out peachy-pink and stain free!  YEY!

Truth is, if you look REEAAALLY hard, you can still see the secret blue fan stains.  But no one looks at me really hard ever, so I think I can get away with it:

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I’m in San Fran, bein’ a playa-playette. Get back in touch soon.

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