Tami gave me this amazing gift for the holidays. She is awesome. Molly is awesome. Sigh. Such love.
Awwwww yeah. The only thing better than a mug with hot chocolate in it is a mug with hot chocolate in it and a NAKED GIRL as the mug handle. I found these mugs at Value Village and, I mean, come on. I had to buy them. They feature a girl at several stages of undress. First… she dramatically thinks “Oh my! This green dress is SO restrictive!”
“Maybe I’ll just pull down the top part to my waist to help me breathe a little better… and grab my tit a bit…”
Now… I’m thinking that there was a mug that was “in between” the mug above and the mug below… like, she goes from a relatively demure, half-dressed state to… this:
I’m assuming that there were 4 mugs to this set, and the “in between” mug was her fully naked yet a bit less “straddle-y”. Looks like some guy was in Value Village, saw the set of 4 mugs and decided that, instead of “breaking the bank” any buying 4 mugs for 3 dollars each, he could only afford one, and didn’t want to be the wierdo who bought the straddling chick, so he bought the fully naked demure chick and brought it home to his wife and was like “Look! It’s tasteful AND she’s naked!”
Anyhoo, here are all the gals together. Just hangin’ out, being all naked and straddle-y and shit:
In other news, I picked up a couple of new records for two bucks last week. Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, which is a SICK album:
AND a double live album by Bob Seger… it has “Night Moves” on it, which is AWESOME:
Check out Rico Suave playing the sax in his white suit:
So, this is my favorite picture of my Mom and Dad. It was taken in the early 70’s when they were young – I love it because they look like they’re so in love. Also, they look super wicked cool – like, if they were transported Star-Trek styles to the present day, they would be the coolest couple on Queen Street.
Anyways, so since I decided to try and make presents for Christmas this year, I thought I would try and draw this picture for my parents as a gift. I know. Sounds cheesy, like, I’m 5 years old and I’m drawing my parents a picture of a rainbow with mismatched crayons. But seriously, I think it turned out pretty good. Here’s how it went:
Draw a grid over a print-out of the enlarged picture:
Draw a larger grid to scale on a piece of pressed illustration paper:
Watch “Elf” to put you in the Christmassy mood:
Draw the picture using the grid to help you get things right:
My mother’s frigging plaid shirt was a bitch to draw:
But I got through it! Here is the final product. It’s not PERFECT, and my mother mentioned that she thinks she looks a bit older in the illustration than she does in the picture… but still:
Every once in a while, I get the urge to totally change things up and pretend that I am a different person. Style-wise, at least.
Last week, I watched 500 Days of Summer, and although the film made me feel like the world of romance and relationships is a dark abyss full of rank-smelling feces, I was enamoured with Zooey Deschanel’s clothing. So I’m going to focus on that.
Reasons why I would look good (I think) in this style:
- Unlike most women who are idolized on film, Zooey does not have the body of an emaciated 12-year old boy. I also do not have the body of an emaciated 12-year-old boy. COINCIDENCE? I think not.
- She wears a lot of blue, and blue looks good on me. Colours that DO NOT look good on me include: “Natalie’s Pasty Winter-Face Yellow”, “Fish-Poo Brown”, “Orangey Fart Orange”, and “18th-Century-Leper Grey”.
- We both have long, dark, lusciously luscious hair. My potato-face and bum chin are pretty consistently swimming in a sea of shiny, luscious, “Farrah-Fawcett-in-Charlie’s-Angels” hair. BRRRAPP!
- She wears a lot of bows, and like, I don’t want to BRAG or anything, but I can tie a bow better than anyone can tie a bow in the history of all humanity. Test me. I dare you.
- Zooey Deschanel is gorgeous and perfect, and in the movie, all these men fall all over her. So I guess I feel that if I dress like her, all of my imperfections as a non-Zooey-Deschanel woman will be concealed and I will become a subject of idolatry for the entire male sex. Seems pretty logical, right? Right.
My first purchase was a high-waisted, full blue madras skirt with buttons down the front. I’m pretty sure it was a return from like, two seasons ago, because I found it in the sale bin, and it’s totally inappropriate for winter. But whatever. CLEARLY the idiot who returned it will regret it when she sees me riding my bike in my old-fashioned-y skirt with a bow in my luscious dark hair, with a gaggle of men mindlessly running after me, throwing flowers and other assorted gifts. HAAAA ha ha ha. Dance, puppets, DANCE!
Dear People Who Are Accessing my Blog from Russia/Vietnam/India and are Posting Spam Comments,
I don’t know who you think I am. This is not a popular blog that will increase your sales in ANYTHING. This blog has a readership of MAYBE four people and none of them are interested in:
- Scholarships for amputees
- Cheap, cheap, cheap DVDs
- Discount mattresses
- Discount haicuts for ladies
- Westcoast zoom teeth whitening
- Financial help for the unemployed/single mothers/disenfranchised ethnic groups
- Amateur sex tapes (well… at least I don’t think so)
- Religious rants
STOP IT. YOU SUCK CHODAS.
As I mentioned last week, I’ve decided to try and be socially responsible this year and either make presents or reuse items. It hasn’t been as hard as I thought, but it definitely means that I’ve had to be MUCH more creative than I thought I would. Buying a gift card is significantly easier than thinking of a present idea, sourcing all the items required, and making it.
That being said, I’m getting WAY more satisfaction out of the gifts I’m giving… so I suppose it evens out.
So I had to do a secret santa gift this weekend and needed to think of something to make. Since I’m suddenly super cookie-obsessed, I thought I would make cookies and put them in a vintage Mason Jar with a bow and a recipe card. Here’s how it all turned out…
The first step was to find some mason jars. Fortunately for me, I found a whole box of them at an antiques store down the street. He gave me a great deal and I came home with 6 big Crown mason jars. They are extra awesome because:
1. They are made in Canada, which makes me happy.
2. They are all date-stamped on the bottom and range from 1932 to 1948. SUPA COOL!
Anyhoo, they were a bit dusty, so I ran them through the dishwasher a couple of times and they came out clean and beautiful.
Then, I made the cookies! I had a lot of success with some Milk Chocolate Shortbread cookies last week, so I made 2 dozen of those. They are dee-lishiisous.
HEAT oven to 350°F.
BEAT butter and super-fine sugar in large bowl with mixer on high speed until light and fluffy. Mix flour and cornstarch. Gradually add to butter mixture, beating well after each addition. Stir in chocolate.
DROP by heaping tablespoonfuls, 1 inch apart, onto baking sheets.
BAKE 20 to 25 min. or until lightly browned. Cool 5 min. on baking sheets. Transfer to wire racks; cool completely. Sprinkle with icing sugar.
YEY!!!! So much butter. So very much butter.
Anyhoo, so I made little itty-bitty ones that kind of reminded me of Cookie Crisp cereal:
Then I put them in the jar!
Quick little vintage-inspired recipe card with my labelmaker:
And a big fluffy bow!
YEY! I’m so proud of myself.
So this year, for a variety of reasons, I’ve decided to try and be super-duper green and non-consumerist and either make presents for my friends and/or buy vintage or reused items as my gifts. Except for a very few items for people (i.e. my niece and nephew, who probably won’t really appreciate the whole “green” thing, considering they are 2 years old and 4 years old…). So for all of you guys who were expecting a gift card for a chinchilla fur coat… you’re out of luck.
Sounds like a big task, but my family isn’t SUPER into Christmas, so it’s turning out to be more manageable than I thought. My friends are also pretty chill… hopefully you guys will read this and choose not to buy me a huge present, because when I give you my macaroni picture of two hands shaking, you may feel a little ripped off…
Here are some ideas that I’m toying with (sorry for spoiling any surprises for my friends…).
For some peeps, I’m thinking that I’m going to make a bunch of cookies and put them in a nice reusable jar or something, and attach the recipe. May sound a bit chintsy, but the love and care I put into the cookies will CLEARLY outweigh the money that would have been put towards purchasing a bottle of scotch. Right? Right. Eat the damn cookies.
2. Drawing a Picture
Sooooo, I’m not an ‘artist’ by any means, but when I want to get my art on, I can be pretty awesome. I once took this picture of my mom and drew it on a huge canvas for a big birthday she had, and I’m pretty sure it’s the best gift I’ve ever given anyone.
3. Buying some weird-ass, totally hard to find vintage item
Every Time I’m in Value Village or Goodwill, I always see weird and totally cool items (as seen in this post, where I saw tons of awesome weird-ass shite). I’m going to take a few treks to different second-hand places and try to find some fun things for some friends who just moved into new houses and have space to fill!
4. Personalized Items that I Make For You!
Ever thought “Wow, I wish Natalie would make me a really cool accent pillow with my name embroidered on it, or maybe with some funny saying or something or maybe a picture of my face made from pieces of discarded felt?” WELL THIS MIGHT BE THE YEAR, baby!
Hmmmmmmm. Those are all the ideas that I have right now, but I hope that I can think up more soon!
Do you have any ideas? TELLLLL MEEEE!
Let me just clarify here… when I say “Natalie’s Holiday Party Etiquette”… I mean that this is the etiquette I recommend when you are attending a holiday party with ME. Over the course of my many illustrious years as a professional superstar, the items below have occurred. I hate them. Stop it.
1. Don’t assume you are the only one I want to talk to
Listen, I know that I am a very popular and “sought-after” party conversationalist. My effervescent comments on the state of the “weather” and “that spreadsheet” are pretty insightful. However, if I’ve only met you once in the elevator on the way to the training room, then I don’t want to talk to you for more than 5 minutes. I’m too polite to interrupt the detailed account of the foot surgery you had last month. Jesus H, please release me from your painful conversation vice and let me talk to people that I know.
2. Don’t bring your spouse then leave her in the corner all pathetically with no one to talk to while you go drink scotch with the guys from Sales
HEY. DINK. Your wife is sitting all by herself in the corner looking at her purse awkwardly while you talk to people that you see all day everyday. She got all gussied up, came with you to a stupid work party where she doesn’t know ANYONE, and now you are leaving her alone and she’s clearly much too polite to say anything. Now, I have to leave the dance floor, where Bootylicious is playing, and go over there and try to make conversation with her so that she doesn’t feel like a loser. And I have a wicked dance to Bootylicious that may or may not involve “dropping it like it’s hot” and bending over and “shaking my moneymaker like I was shakin’ it for some paper”. Dink.
3. Don’t talk to me about work when I’m dancing to R Kelly
Hey, I really like the song “Ignition”. You know what’s the best way to ruin it? By coming over to me on the dance floor and asking me whether I had time to compile data into a spreadsheet. I’m fairly confident that R Kelly does not have the words “pivot table” in his vocabulary, so I suggest you LEAVE IT. Jesus. It’s not like I’m going to say “OH YEAH. I totally get that we should have redefined those data columns. Let me just shotgun my 5th beer and go on up to the office and work on that for the rest of the night.”
4. Don’t get drunk then accuse me of leaving avocados in the staff fridge
I don’t bring avocados to work. I didn’t leave the stinky avocado in the fridge. I find it strange that it takes 17 glasses of red wine to help you work up the courage to ask me this question.
5. Don’t be that guy who wants to kiss up to the President and starts clapping after every sentence of his speech
EVERYTIME YOU START CLAPPING EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO, TOO. This makes the speech 13 times as long as it would have been. Which means I have to wait 13 times as long to go order my next beer.
7. Don’t eat all of the mini-Reuben appetizers that Natalie was waiting to come around to her area
Natalie’s Thoughts: Those mini-Reuben appetizers look really good. I’ll just be polite and wait for them to make their rounds over to my area… oh… a little longer…oh… almost… only a few left…
THEN YOU EAT THE LAST THREE LIKE A SELFISH BALL LICKER.
I’m pretty sure that my sense of hearing is by far my best “sense”… not because of any real analysis I’ve done… because I seldom do any analysis when I make a statement. It’s mostly because when I hear the words to any song, I usually remember every single word the next time I hear it, AND because I can hear a song and suddenly be transported to a specific time and place that I have totally forgotten about. I know this sounds totally melodramatic, so let me explain.
Today, while walking home in the ridiculous freezing cold, trying hard to prevent my eyeball fluid from freezing, my ipod shuffled onto this song:
And my brain like JOLTED to 2001.
When I was in first year at University, I worked as a waitress pretty much 7 days a week at Stooley’s Cafe, this hole-in-the-wall restaurant that was open till 2:00 am. I worked there constantly for about 2 years, and looking back, it was actually a really formative time in my life. I met my first boyfriend, I worked with P-Hops (holy shit, Pam, that’s some fucked-up-shit), and I basically met almost every single student in my entire school, because they ALL went there ALL the time.
Mostly they went because you got like, a RIDICULOUS amount of food for a reasonable cost, and the fries were AWESOME. They used chicken soup mix instead of salt (which sounds gross, but it mind-blowing). Also, the waitresses were fucking super hot – especially in 2001.
SO, anyways, in 2001 I was totally and completely obsessed with Grandaddy – specifically their Sophtware Slump album. Stooley’s was the kind of place that didn’t have a sophisticated “sound system”… it was basically an old CD player dangerously hooked up to some speakers mounted on the ceiling about to precariously cascade onto the skull of a hungover grad student. So I would put on my Grandaddy CD on repeat for my 8 hour shift and rock out with my cock out.
So anyhoo, when I heard that song, I suddently remembered this specific shift I had in the mid-afternoon when we got completely SLAMMED with like 30 people and I was the only waitress (there was typically only one waitress and one cook there at any given time)… anyways, we were totally slammed and I was completely in the weeds and totally stressed out. Then my Grandaddy CD came on, and I remember thinking “You know what? This is an AWESOME shift” Then I started having an amazing time and all the students started rocking out to the CD and everyone started feeling pretty good.
Anyways. I just remembered that. And it made me feel good.
I highly recommend you check out The Sophtware Slump. I also highly recommend you check out Stooley’s if you’re ever in Kingston. Although.. without me as your waitress… it just won’t be the same.