My funk was returning this morning and I felt the stinky garbage dump of last week pulling me back in.  Then I saw this.  I think the universe is trying really hard to help me out…

So, last week was one of the suckiest weeks of my life, for the following reasons:

• Work was uber-stressful and sucked
• I got really sick
• I had to go see my parents and get berated about my bangs (too short)
• I got a letter from Revenue Canada, letting me know that they “reassessed” my taxes, and I somehow owe $2000.00
• I got extremely drunk both Friday and Saturday and acted like an idiot
• Sunday morning I had alcohol poisoning all day and couldn’t move

So, instead of dwelling on last week, I decided this morning that this week will be a fresh start, and I’m going to shake off the shackles of last week with the effervescence of a woodland fairy soaring above a steaming, smelly garbage dump.

This is Why This Week Will be Awesome:

I’m wearing bright red tights today
What? Bright red tights to my super-conservative job? Yes. I am a corporate rebel! See my bright red legs? THEY ARE BLINDING!!! I think I might wear something awesome and ridiculous to work every day this week. Yey!

 
I will be totally healthy and shit
I’m not going to drink during the week (well… maybe a bit on Wednesday… but whatever), and it’s going to feel so healthy. I’m also going to eat lots of vegetables, drink lots of water, and not consume large quantities of candy like I did last week. By the end of the week, I can only assume I will be a glowing picture of health.

I’m going to do one really nice thing everyday
November 13th was World Kindness Day, and it made me feel all warm inside. I’m going to try to do one really nice thing for a friend/stranger every day. I believe this will:

• Help others, which is cool
• Make me feel additionally warm inside
• Increase my good karma so that another terrible week like last week doesn’t happen

I’m going to start playing guitar again
I took guitar lessons a while ago, and really liked it, and planned on becoming a superstar, but kind of let it fade away from my everyday routine. I’m going to pick up my guitar again, and I might take lessons down the street from the Toronto Institute for the Enjoyment of Music… although they’re REALLY expensive, I know that if someone doesn’t help me along, I’ll just stop doing it again. Anyways. I think that will be fun.

I’m going to get back to a few projects

• I have a HUGE pile of clothes that I’ve been planning to alter… but sadly, I have been lazy, so the pile is just taking up room in my closet. I’m going to get down to it and mend/alter them.
• I’m also going to completely re-decorate my bedroom. It’s boring, and I don’t like it anymore. I bought this siiiick Pendleton National Parks blanket and this siiiiiick “cross” pillow-thing, which I think will be the center-piece of my redesign. I’ve also decided that now that I’m a responsible adult, I’m going to buy a piece of fabulous art from my super-talented friend Tami. One thing that I really wish I could do is re-finish my bedframe, because I HATE the “honey” stain on it. WHY did I get the “honey” stain??? It’s so fucking ugly! Plus, I might re-paint. I hate the blue now. I might go with grey. We’ll see.

I need to see this over and over again right now to satisfy my uber-romanticism, which is currently consuming me for some reason.  It had to be done.  Apologies.

Today, I felt a little down in the dumps.  I hate feeling down in the dumps.  So I decided to come home and have a dance party with Molly.  She was confused.    Anyways, here is your Thursday Night Dance Party. 

YOU’RE WELCOME!

First, let’s start with some retro-feelin’-feel-good-feelin’ stuff:

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Then, move onto some more direct party shit:

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Then, something introspective to help you dance the night away:

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Dear Stinky Guy Who Wishes He Was Ronny From Jersey Shore,

Here is the main tenant of transitive reasoning:  If A=B, and B=C, then A=C.  Not getting it?  Let me put this into terms that you can understand…

If Axe Body Spray smells like SHIT, and you use Axe Body Spray, then you smell like SHIT.

Love,
Natalie

1. Discussion.
2. Your face.
3. The air.
4. The smell of clouds.
5. 3-hour long conference calls.
6. My sinuses.
7. The one crusty hard cranberry in my oatmeal.
8. My itchy wool socks.
9. All human noises.
10. Overly sparkly brooches.
11.  The announcer on the P.A. at Sears.

I  am the hottest chick on earth this week, due to my new super-hot sunglasses.  BRRAP!

After I recently turned 29, I realized that I only really have one solid year of fun left in my life, so I decided that holding myself back fashion-wise was no longer an option. I need to get out there and be a ridiculous person while I’m still at an acceptable age to do so.     

When I was in elementary school, I was that weird chick who wore like, rainbow tights with a military shirt and a tie and wanted to be Blossom SO BAD. I had many floppy-brimmed hats with flowers sewed on.  When I progressed into high school, my “sack of watermelons-esque” body, my potato-nose, and my bum-chin began to move to the forefront, so I ended up camouflaging myself in over-sized men’s pants and plaid shirts. Let’s just say the boys were ALL OVER me. As in, no boys were interested at all. Life is so fun!     

Wednesday was my inaugural trial of these doozies: 
    

 …they are so tight that I’m pretty sure my thighs look like turgid sausages stuffed into corduroy casings. BUT WHO CARES? I got to wear red pants. I believe that they-will-stretch-out-slash-I-will-loose-weight, so I believe they are going to go in my regular rotation.       

The difficulty with tomato-red pants is that they are hard to “match”. And when I say “match” I mean “find one single thing in your closet that doesn’t look ridiculous with them.” So I’m going to continue experimenting… I know that when you see my blinding, tomato-red thighs walking down the street, you’ll think “Wow, that girl is very much like a young Blossom.”       

ONE-FEATHER EARRING 

      

I always wish that I was born in a different era. The one-feather earring makes me feel like I should have been in my mid-twenties during the late 60s/early 70s era, when wearing one-feather earring was as common as wearing a piece of hospital gauze as a nipple-cover: 

But I think the one-feather earring is going to make me look all cool and rockery and everyone will say: “Wow! That girl is wearing ONE feather earring! She is so adventurous! She reminds me of a young Blossom.” That is what they will say.       

LEATHER PANTS? YES. LEATHER PANTS 
      

Listen. There has to be ONE time in your life that you go out in leather pants. Do you really want to be on your death bed, thinking about your life, and realize that you NEVER wore leather pants? I mean, what the hell is your stupid life worth if you don’t wear leather pants onetime? I decided that this is the year that I will purchase and wear leather pants. You can mock me all you want to your friends and be like “Look at that jiggly-thighed chick wearing those leather pants! Who wears leather pants?” And I know that secretly, inside your pea-sized, judgmental brain, you’ll be thinking: “I’m so jealous of that adventurous chick in the leather pants. She reminds me of a young Blossom.”       

BIG, FULL SKIRTS 
      

This is all “back in style” right now, so it’s not AS adventurous as I would like. But I always had a big boner for Audrey Hepburn’s wardrobe in Roman Holiday, where she wore all these scoop-necked t-shirts with big full skirts and looked all girly and fresh and bouncy. I want to look bouncy. So I bought a couple and am going to bust them out soon. Only I think I’m going to pair them with my Fryes to make myself feel less like a 1950s housewife. What do you think? Do you think I MIGHT look like a young Blossom? I think you think so.

Sexiness, sexiness, sexiness…