Richard Slit – President, Association of Canadian Pant Fasteners
Richard Gobbles – Vice President, Committee for the Resurrection of Button-Flies
Richard Beard – Vice President, LUCE (Lace-Up Crotches on Everyone)
Richard Geyser – President, Hook-and-Eye Inc.
AGENDA: Final decision-making process for fastener strategy on nude silk high-waisted pleated pants (pant design #344465)
R.S. – Thank you all for joining us to continue our rather *animated* discussion on the pant fastening strategy for pant design #344465. (scattered pretentious old-man laughter)
R.B. – I believe we were cut off while I was describing the advantages of using the lace-up method. As per my earlier point, the real advantage here is the ability to “Shakira-ify” the pants to ensure they have the requisite “Latin Sexy Hip Vibe” that is sorely missing from today’s conservative “zip fly” options. Furthermore, the addition of a leather lace and grommets would add some ruggedness to the pant design. This would almost definitely pierce through the impenetrable “Keepin’ It Real” Native American cohort, which is almost completely monopolized by leather low-waisted, lace-up pants.
R. G. – Listen, Dick – I understand your points, but let’s not forget the discussion we had last time about grommet placement and how wiener slippage is almost guaranteed in the lace-up option. When I bought a pair of lace-up, whiskered stretch jeans after seeing them on Enrique Iglesias, I spent the lion’s share of a dinner party with my caterpillar sticking between the two grommet holes. The leather lace was pulled across the shaft, making him look like a bunch of onions stuck in a panty-hose leg.
R.S. – Now, Dick. Let’s not get carried away here. Before continuing the discussion, I want to confirm with the attendees that we have abandoned the option of using a zipper fly. Even though the zip-fly pant-fastening technology is widely available, cost-effective, and clearly the most user-friendly of the options we have on the table?
R.B. – I think that this Dick here and I agree that the zip-fly is not nearly as ridiculous enough an option. I mean, if we used a zip-fly, then people would just be unzipping their pants easily, instead of struggling with an extremely inefficient and flamboyant fastening method. I mean, do we want to be known as “The Pants that Come Off Easily When you Really Have to Pee”? Clearly not.
R.G. – That Dick is right.
R.B. – Thanks, Dick.
R.G. – Back to my point. I want to emphasize that a button-fly would really provide a sound fastening option. Firstly, It would be really hard to do up the buttons, which would give people time to think about really important math problems that need to be solved. Second, it would take a really long time to do them back up, which would afford additional time to solve said problems. We could single-handedly be responsible for solving hundreds… THOUsands of math problems that might continue to go unsolved in society.
R.B. – Hey, Dick! You’re focusing WAY too much on unsolved math problems, and not NEARLY enough on the butt-blasting dangers of button-fly pants. One time, I really had to take a dump… like, one of those really watery dumps that are really difficult to hold in, and I was wearing a pair of button fly pants. I was so nervous while waiting to get into the public bathroom that my hands got all sweaty… My sausage-y fingers kept slipping all over the buttons until it was too late. And those were CREAM coloured pants, Dick. Cream.
R.G. – Listen, you Dick. I think you need to lay off. You’ve been pushing your leather “lace-up” fly agenda since day one! Your arguments are completely invalid, I mean, Shakira?
R.B. – In the US, I can see how you would be so short-sighted to think that the lace-up fly is ONLY restricted to the Shakira-listening market. Let me tell YOU, in the ENTIRE Latin market, it’s all leather lace-up flies! You can’t even look in a pant-store without getting hypnotized by the criss-cross of leather crotch-laces! I was just mentioning Shakira because the marketing would write itself! “Shakira’s Lace-Up Fly Doesn’t Lie”. It even rhymes!
R.G. – That is TOTALLY STUPID, Dick.
R.S. – Alright, Dicks… let’s settle down. What if we looked at a hybrid option? Buttons down the main “shaft” area of the fly, with a little leather bow at the top to complete the joining of the two sides of the fly?
R.B. – Interesting, Dick.
R.G. – Yes, Dick. Very.
R.S. – Shall we pass along that proposal to Research and Development to explore?
All – Agreed.
R.S. – So it’s settled then. We’ll go with the button-lace-fly hybrid. And we will pay no attention the to likelihood of Natalie’s pant fly busting open in the middle of her work day and her having to rock an open fly all day while in important presentations?
All – Agreed.
R.S. – Great! Meeting closed.