“I cannot stress enough the importance of an inefficient and flamboyant pant fastener”
 - Richard Enchilada, President, Pant-Fastener Awareness Society

Attendees:
Richard Slit – President, Association of Canadian Pant Fasteners
Richard Gobbles – Vice President, Committee for the Resurrection of Button-Flies
Richard Beard - Vice President, LUCE (Lace-Up Crotches on Everyone)

Missing:

Richard Geyser - President, Hook-and-Eye Inc.

AGENDA:  Final decision-making process for fastener strategy on nude silk high-waisted pleated pants (pant design #344465)

R.S. – Thank you all for joining us to continue our rather *animated* discussion on the pant fastening strategy for pant design #344465. (scattered pretentious old-man laughter)

R.B. – I believe we were cut off while I was describing the advantages of using the lace-up method.  As per my earlier point, the real advantage here is the ability to “Shakira-ify” the pants to ensure they have the requisite “Latin Sexy Hip Vibe” that is sorely missing from today’s conservative “zip fly” options.  Furthermore, the addition of a leather lace and grommets would add some ruggedness to the pant design.  This would almost definitely pierce through the impenetrable “Keepin’ It Real” Native American cohort, which is almost completely monopolized by leather low-waisted, lace-up pants.

R. G. – Listen, Dick - I understand your points, but let’s not forget the discussion we had last time about grommet placement and how wiener slippage is almost guaranteed in the lace-up option.  When I bought a pair of lace-up, whiskered stretch jeans after seeing them on Enrique Iglesias, I spent the lion’s share of a dinner party with my caterpillar sticking between the two grommet holes.  The leather lace was pulled across the shaft, making him look like a bunch of onions stuck in a panty-hose leg.

R.S. – Now, Dick.  Let’s not get carried away here.  Before continuing the discussion, I want to confirm with the attendees that we have abandoned the option of using a zipper fly.  Even though the zip-fly pant-fastening technology is widely available, cost-effective, and clearly the most user-friendly of the options we have on the table?

R.B. – I think that this Dick here and I agree that the zip-fly is not nearly as ridiculous enough an option.  I mean, if we used a zip-fly, then people would just be unzipping their pants easily, instead of struggling with an extremely inefficient and flamboyant fastening method.  I mean, do we want to be known as “The Pants that Come Off Easily When you Really Have to Pee”?  Clearly not.

R.G. - That Dick is right. 

R.B. – Thanks, Dick.

R.G. – Back to my point.  I want to emphasize that a button-fly would really provide a sound fastening option.  Firstly, It would be really hard to do up the buttons, which would give people time to think about really important math problems that need to be solved.  Second, it would take a really long time to do them back up, which would afford additional time to solve said problems.  We could single-handedly be responsible for solving hundreds… THOUsands of math problems that might continue to go unsolved in society. 

R.B. – Hey, Dick!  You’re focusing WAY too much on unsolved math problems, and not NEARLY enough on the butt-blasting dangers of button-fly pants.  One time, I really had to take a dump… like, one of those really watery dumps that are really difficult to hold in, and I was wearing a pair of button fly pants.  I was so nervous while waiting to get into the public bathroom that my hands got all sweaty… My sausage-y fingers kept slipping all over the buttons until it was too late.   And those were CREAM coloured pants, Dick.  Cream. 

R.G. – Listen, you Dick.  I think you need to lay off.  You’ve been pushing your leather “lace-up” fly agenda since day one!  Your arguments are completely invalid, I mean, Shakira? 

R.B. – In the US, I can see how you would be so short-sighted to think that the lace-up fly is ONLY restricted to the Shakira-listening market.  Let me tell YOU, in the ENTIRE Latin market, it’s all leather lace-up flies!  You can’t even look in a pant-store without getting hypnotized by the criss-cross of leather crotch-laces!  I was just mentioning Shakira because the marketing would write itself!  “Shakira’s Lace-Up Fly Doesn’t Lie”.  It even rhymes!

R.G. – That is TOTALLY STUPID, Dick.

R.S. – Alright, Dicks… let’s settle down.  What if we looked at a hybrid option?  Buttons down the main “shaft” area of the fly, with a little leather bow at the top to complete the joining of the two sides of the fly?

R.B. – Interesting, Dick.

R.G. – Yes, Dick.  Very.

R.S. – Shall we pass along that proposal to Research and Development to explore?

All – Agreed.

R.S. – So it’s settled then.  We’ll go with the button-lace-fly hybrid.  And we will pay no attention the to likelihood of Natalie’s pant fly busting open in the middle of her work day and her having to rock an open fly all day while in important presentations?

All – Agreed.

R.S. – Great!  Meeting closed.

Dear Chick Who Works at American Apparel,

That nude bodysuit was not meant for everyday use.  I mean, I know you work at American Apparel, which is apparently this parallel universe where people wear high-waisted gold leggings with floral thong-shirts that are essentially thong panties that you pull over your shoulders.  But still.  It doesn’t look good on you.  It kind of makes your upper torso look like a jaundiced loaf of bread that has some lumpy air pockets all up in it because the yeast wasn’t distributed properly during the kneading process.  I don’t know about you, but that’s not what I want people to think when they look at my torso.  Plus I think I can see your nips.  See below for the only acceptable times to wear a nude bodysuit:

1. If you are “Eve” in an “Adam and Eve” costume and you’re going to wear the nude bodysuit and tape a piece of iceberg lettuce to your crotch.
2. If you are wearing something quasi-see through and don’t want people to see your nipplies.
3. If you are in an interpretive dance troupe.  

Love,
Natalie

Dear Young Teenager Who Was Walking in Front of Me This Morning,

I can see your horrible, horrible floral panties through your leggings.  Like really, really clearly.  If you’re going to wear your leggings as pants (which is already treading on thin fashion ice), then take a moment to evaluate the following:

1. The thickness of your leggings.  If they are basically glorified panty hose, then I’ll be subjected to your bum-skin and/or panty pattern while walking behind you to work.
2. The quality/pattern/old grannyness of your panties.  I do not recommend panties that are all oversized and bunch up into a reverse-bum camel-toe. 
3. The location of your legging-wearing.  Maybe don’t wear leggings with a see-through bum in the mall where the intense flourescent light could pierce through lead.   

Love,
Natalie

Dear Girl Who Was Shopping in H&M Last Week,

Sista.  Accept.  You need to go up a size in that tank top.  Just because the shirt is not busting off of your body, doesn’t mean it fits you.  I can see into your belly button cavern through the thin white fabric.    

Love,
Natalie

Dear Hipster Chicks Who Hang in Front of White Squirrel,

The “tight bun on top of the head” look ONLY looks good on girls who are already drop-dead gorgeous.  By pulling your hair all tight and stretching your face skin then putting it all up and away from your face, it accentuates any minor flaw you may have.  Just because it’s trendy, doesn’t mean it looks good on you.

Love,
Natalie

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Dear New Hat,

I have a secret thing for you.  Even though you are totally wrong for me. It feels right.

I mean, look at that huge brim. Who wears a hat with a brim like that? And the way you look like a mash-up between Carmen Sandiego’s hat and and old-timey fedora and a 70′s hippie chick floppy hat? I mean, who do you think you are?

Despite your clearly flippant view of hat conformity rules, I totally have a burning thing for you.

Yours with Hot Sweaty Hat-Love,
Natalie

Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures has been my white whale for a while.  I have been holding out for a vintage original pressing of the album.  This means that every milk crate of records on the street, every giant pile of vinyl in the Goodwill, every craigslist ad selling “250 albums for 100 bucks” was rifled through by yours truly, looking for the black cover with the iconic pulsar image… after two years… nothing.  But I was in Rotate This today getting the new Ra Ra Riot album and saw her - all black and mysterious… sitting in the back of the store… calling to me.  Besides, finding an original pressing of Unknown Pleasures is next to impossible.  Like, impossible.

When I took her out of the packaging… sigh.  It was very exciting.

Anyhoo, I can’t wait to get all morose and introspective and listen to Disorder and New Dawn Fades. 

On that note, if you haven’t seen the documentary about Joy Division released in 2007, I highly, highly recommend it. 

 I still haven’t seen “Control“… but since I just got my baby – I think I have to get my hands on a copy of it this weekend:

So I mentioned that I’ve been looking for a varsity/letterman jacket, which has been pretty difficult.  Not that there aren’t jackets to be found, they’re just all a men’s XXL or in really bad condition, or like, $150.00.  A couple of weeks ago, I was foraging around in Value Village and decided to check out the children’s section.  In the boys’ jackets rack I found this little doozy, which fits me perfectly (it’s not REALLY a full-out letterman jacket, but super, wicked nonetheless):  

  
I don’t think it’s a boy’s jacket… I just think the dude who owned it was a small dude.  But COME ON – Acadia Axemen?  With the patch of the hooded axeman on the front?  WICKED-cool.  To make it even BETTER, when I looked in the pocket before throwing it in the wash, I found an original receipt from 1979.  Like, WHAAA?  Awesome.  
 

Anyhoo, I also stopped by a vintage sale this Saturday and met Shawn (I think that’s the spelling??) who used to buy for the Black Market.  She was selling some amazing stuff, but I only had $40 bucks on me, so I had to settle for my favorites.

I will say that I almost plotzzed when I saw the Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band t-shirt.  It has a big funky stain on the front, but I’ll see if the Shout can make short work of it.  If not, I’m turning that bad boy into a crop-top.  

 
P-Hops and I also got matching 80′s “California” crop tops.  Zack Morris would be allllll up in my grill with this bad boy on:  

Ummmmm how cool are these shoes?  SO COOL.  That’s how cool.  

  

Additionally, the boots are sicketatingly awesome… what with the stacked heel, suede detailing and asymmetrical cut.  BABY!  

Sigh.  I need to stop.  My closet is busting at the seams.

Saturday was an awesome day despite the periodic rain.  Day started out with a walk over to a vintage sale that had some amazing shite.  I really, really, really don’t need ANY new clothes right now, but there is something about getting a pair of vintage spectator stacked-heel oxfords in your size for $5.00 that is impossible to pass up.

Then, I went to Graffiti’s in Kensington to see the Sin City Boys - we try to stop by and see them whenever we can because they are TIGHT.  They play a sick mix of rock/hillbilly/blues and put on an awesome show.  Since we’ve started to follow them around like a bit of a groupie team, we got the coveted “corner table” when we called in to let them know we were dropping by.  In a bar that has about 3 tables… that’s a pretty big deal.

Anyways – after a few (read: SEVERAL) pitchers of beer, I was feelin pretty good and started “woo-hoo”-ing my guts out.  The old men in the bar were pretty entertained by my fervour.  They are awesome.  I also LOVE how the bar is so small and cramped that the bar is virtually playing ON the sidewalk and you get a really eclectic mix of people stopping by to watch the band.  At like 6 pm… as they started their cover of Suspicious Minds… I was loving life.

After dinner I swung by Parts and Labour for a quick drink with Marg.  Hadn’t been there before and wanted to check it out.  The atmosphere was pretty cool, but the wide, expansive feel of it felt a little weird.  I guess I’m used to smaller, cramped places.  Staff was great and the drinks were delicious.

Finally, I rounded out the night with some crazy, sweaty dancing with a bunch of shirtless men.  AWWWW YEAAAAH.

A couple of months ago, I pulled out Sloan’s Twice Removed album and chucked it in my car because radio sucks my right ball right now.  I literally hadn’t listened to the album in about 7 or 8 years, but I discovered that I know EVERY SINGLE WORD of every single song.  So I thought I would try to think back to some of my favorite albums that I probably still know all the words to:

Sloan – Twice Removed (1994)
I was all over this album.  Say what you want about sloan, but track 12: “I Can Feel It” is one of my favorite songs of all time.

The Lemonheads – It’s a Shame About Ray (1992)
Oh, Evan Dando.   Your silky long hair crept into my junior high dreams more often than I’d like to admit.

Juliana Hatfield – Only Everything (1995)
Speaking of Evan Dando, I wanted to BE Juliana Hatfield.  She was the epitome of mid-nineties grunge-chick coolness.  And she was dating my man Evan.

Radiohead – OK Computer (1997)
This was the soundtrack to my high school angst.

Reality Bites Soundtrack (1994)
Could Ethan Hawke be any hotter?  I mean, the dirty man’s philosopher with his vintage knit polo shirts and greasy hair and horribly lazy facial hair.  PLUS, he sings a deliciously depressing song for Lelaina on the album.  SIGH!

Hayden – Everything I Long For (1996)
There is something about Hayden’s lyrics that are so honest and simple.  Listening to the album in the late afternoon when everything is all orange and quiet… is so… awesome…

You would think that spending a whole bunch of time and money getting a degree would result in a job.  Not the case.  A degree in English does not get you a job.  It gets you a slightly heightened understanding of complex symbolism in novels and short works of fiction.  However, my money was not totally wasted.  Recently, I’ve noticed that my degree has resulted in some unanticipated by-products:    

1. I have become the grammar police  
    

Question to the pharmacy down the street: why don’t you ask someone smart to proofread your sign?  If you’re going to get a sign made, and put fancy graphics all up on it, and spend time thinking about the font choice, and go to the large-format-sign-making-store, and pay someone to print the sign, then hang the sign in your window to represent your business and the intellectual capital held within, why not spend 30 seconds asking someone to proofread it?  
Because, pharmacy down the street, if you did that, then my brain wouldn’t be on the verge of exploding when I see that you don’t know how to use apostrophes.  I mean, I assume that a pharmacist would have to go to school.  I mean, aren’t you prescribing medicine that could seriously harm someone?  Didn’t that pharmacist in “It’s a Wonderful Life” kill some kid because prescribed like arsenic instead of cod-fish-liver-oil or some shit like that?  I can only assume that this lethal mix-up was due to the large amount of brain power he was using to decipher apostrophe usage rules (or the fact that his son died or something, I don’t remember).  I’m not saying that you need to have a copy of Oxford Grammar Rules under your pharmacy counter.  Just have the sense to proofread your fucking signs. 

2. Inefficiency with modern communication methods
    

Tell me something, high school English teachers: how do you fight against a world that keeps perverting grammar rules like a Texan at a dinner party?  Every word now has a condensed format, or an acronym that is totally socially acceptable to use.  All of those hours, sitting alone, learning tenses and proper apostrophe usage!  WASTED!  I guess there is one positive to this grammar disaster: all those idiots who couldn’t spell in Grade 12 are now thanking the technological gods that they now can reduce their running brain usage percentage to 2.4%.  I did not realize the extent to which the ‘texting abbreviations’ ( or ‘txt abbrv’) craze had spiraled out of control until visiting this site.  There are even texting abbreviations that are slang for other abbreviations.  What the ball-sack?  I think my favorite is “NALOPKT = “Not a lot of people know that”.  Do you need to text that so often that you need a specific abbreviation for it?  Jesum.    

3. An inability to watch TV/Movies without being annoying

 

Hey, did you know that the people who make movies and TV shows actually try hard to make them like, all, symbolic and shit?  Those dink-balls put all this secret effort into their work to increase your enjoyment of their art in a multi-layered,  super-intellectual and nerdy way?  Yeah.  Did you also know that most people just want to enjoy the frigging movie and not focus on all that shit?   

Guess what?  If you get a degree in English, you’ll be able to ruin all sorts of entertaining movies for your friends.  You can be the annoying one saying:  

“Did you know that the blood on his sleeve is the same shape as the cloud and the cloud is the same shape as the pancake in the first scene, and the pancake was made by that big Jesus-y looking guy?  I think it’s supposed to be a comment on God and how “pancakey” he was.  Because that jesus-y looking guy was on screen for like, 45 seconds, and why would they spend so much screen time on that guy if they didn’t mean something by it?  Or it’s a commentary on the consumerism of modern man and how all of our hopes and dreams (represented by the clouds) are reduced to consumable items (represented by the pancake), and we’re killing our species because of it (represented by the blood)!”  

Yeah, all of your friends will be TOTALLY stoked that you pointed that out.  Additionally, they’ll be thrilled that you continue to point out stupid and incorrect symbols as the plot continues to unfold.  Furthermore, they’ll LOVE that you go right onto imdb.com after the movie to either confirm or discount your jesus-pancake-cloud-blood theory.    

4. The horrible realization that my life would NOT make a good book:
   

 Here is an excerpt from a book about my life:   

“CHAPTER ONE: THE SUN RISES
The alarm rang to jar Natalie out of her restless sleep.  She had set her phone alarm on the Moog version of “O Solo Mio” to make her morning extra special.  As the piercing electronic sounds of the first few beats attacked her ear-hole, she sat up.  ”BAAAALLLLLLLSSS” she exclaimed with fervour. “I wish I could sleep longer”.  Such poignant, philosophical thoughts often plagued Natalie’s daily musings.  She was just that interesting.  

She swung her pudgy thighs around to the side of the bed, exposing the over-sized, hole-y plaid men’s pyjama pants that hung on her body seductively.  Coupled with the old striped t-shirt that was purchased in the sale section of Old Navy in 1998, she was a sight to behold.  Her hair cascaded down her back in a frizzy, tangled mess of split ends.  Her face, smattered with pillow creases, was puffy and swollen from awkward neck positioning during the night.   

She put a pearl-sized glob of toothpaste on her electric toothbrush and activated the “pulsing cavity-fighting action” of her Colgate Total.  As she sat on the counter of the bathroom, brushing her teeth, she began to think about a spreadsheet she was currently completing at work.  This spreadsheet was focused on analyzing training budgets.  No one would ever look at the spreadsheet but her.  It would be stored in a folder entitled “2010 Training Budget” and would eventually become obscure and out of date. 

She spit out her toothpaste.”    

COMING SOON… CHAPTER TWO: EXAMINING HER DOG’S POO TO DETERMINE LEVEL OF CANINE HEALTH    

Yeah.  Thank god I got that degree.