Whhhhaaaat? Pasta, you MUST be tired because you have been running through my mind ALL day.
So it’s possible that I’m going on vacation to paradise in about three weeks, and it’s also possible that I am allowing the monsters of peer pressure invade my strong feminist mind to tell me that I should lose weight and not be a fattybobatty. I have decided that my translucent-white whale skin needs to be wrapped around thighs that are as small as possible to detract from their horror.
At the same time, I want to resist against the oppressive social machine that tells me whaley white jiggle thighs are bad. I MEAN, I would clearly survive the longest in some kind of horrible, meteor-inflicted famine. SHOULDN’T THAT be the REAL indicator of hottness?
With this in mind, I decided to craft a recipe SO FATTY… so BUTTER INFUSED… so CARBOHYDRATE-UNNECESSARY, that it would easily add on one extra day of survival (read: three extra thigh-pounds) in the unlikely event of a famine.
Farfalle with Exotic Mushrooms & Bacon Creme Sauce
- A heap of Farfalle Pasta
- Like, three handfulls of Cremini, Portobello & Oyster Mushrooms, coarsely chopped
- Five strips of Ready Crisp Bacon
- 1/2 chopped up Sweet Onion
- Tablespoon of chopped garlic
- 1/2 glass of white wine (leaving 2.5 glasses left to drink while cooking)
- 2 Tablespoons of Butter
- Parsley or Thyme (Thyme is always better)
- Some shakes of Parmesan Cheese
- 1/2 cup Cooking Creme
- Salt and Pepper
Wash your bowl of fungus:
Melt butter under medium-high heat and add salt & pepper. Throw in chopped onion and garlic and let that stuff simmer and make your house smell like food-sex. Chop up fungus and put in butter/onion/garlic heaven:
While that shizz is simmering, cook the Ready Crisp bacon in the microwave and pat out all the grease. Chop it up to like, I don’t know, like 0.5 centimeter chunks. Use your judgement. I’m not your mother.
Chop up that parsley too. Parsley was all I had but next time I’ll use thyme. Let’s be honest – parsley is like the Celine Dion of herbs. It’s totally overdone and everyone is bored with it and when you experience it, you don’t even really notice unless someone puts fireworks behind it.
WAHOO look at that steam all up. Throw in the white wine now, if you can bear to part with it. The alcohol evaporates off while you simmer it, which is pretty depressing. I guess you could put your face over the pan with your mouth open hoping to let some of the vaporized alcohol enter your mouth and like, eye holes. It would be a pretty efficient way to get drunk probably.
Anyways, let the pan of delicious shizz simmer until the liquid starts to evaporate and your dealing with a chunky, non-soupy type mixture…
Ok, so now put in the Cooking Creme. I don’t really know the different between Cooking Creme and like, Normal Cow Creme, but in the grocery store there was a normal creme and a cooking creme, and since I was cooking with it, I was all like, “I guess I should get the cooking creme.” Pour it in, then add the bacon and parsley.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you should probably have the pasta on the stove and like, be boiling it so that it’s ready soon. So that should be pretty much ready. Sorry if I screwed up by not mentioning that earlier, but I mean, learn to be kind of independent sometimes. Man, you are getting clingy.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I want you in my mouth.
Ok, so when the pasta is ready and well-drained, throw it back in the pot, and add in the delicious sauce mixture. Toss it all around to get all the fattiness well-distributed.
Add some Parmesan cheese on the top.
I think we need a closer view:
Ok that last one was a little too close. Something in between.
PERFECT. EAT THAT SHIT AND WATCH YOUR THIGHS EXPAND BEFORE YOUR EYES.