I didn’t have a lot to do this weekend, which means I wandered around spending money on things I don’t need.  Here is an analysis of my stupid purchases:

Item: Vintage 70′s Denim Vest
Purchased at: Trinity Bellwoods Giant Yard Sale
Cost: $3.00
Why I Bought It: SORRY, DID YOU SEE THE PICTURE?  COME. ON.
Wearability: a 4 out of 10.  Can wear Canadian Tuxedo styles with jeans or like, with other things… I don’t know… I’ll figure it out… IT’S AN AWESOME VEST, COME ON.

Item: Vintage 90′s Floral Flippy Mini Skirt
Purchased at: Philistine
Cost: $35.00
Why I Bought It: It’s getting frigging hot and I need things that are short but that aren’t *actual* shorts because my legs look like sausages in actual shorts.
Wearability: a 6 out of 10.  Very wearable for casual stuff and the navy goes with a lot.  Can’t wear to work as is too slutty.

Item: Vintage Cole Haan Tassle Loafers
Purchased at: Philistine
Cost: $40.00
Why I Bought It: Although I have many many many pairs of shoes, and many pairs of loafer-type things, I do not have a black pair.  AND these are fucking adorable.  Jesus.
Wearability: a 7 out of 10.  Super comfortable and they are fancy enough to wear for more serious things.  Sometimes black flat shoes make my legs look like sausages though, so I need to be careful.

Item: Vintage 70′s Cotton Gauze Peasant-Boho-Hippie-Western-Cool-Girl Maxi Dress
Purchased at: Silver Falls Vintage
Cost: $35.00
Why I Bought It: I DON’T KNOW.  THERE IS NO REASON.
Wearability: a 2 out of 10.  Where am I going to wear this fucking thing?  Nowhere.  Never.  It just makes me happy that I have it sitting in my closet and that I can put it on and do pirouettes and feel like a 70′s hippie princess every couple of weeks, and it hides my sausage legs.  Don’t judge me.  I know you’re jealous.

The spring line of shoes from Freda Salvador is making my brain explode.  It’s like a bunch of my favourite things aggressively smashed together into shoewear.  Expensive, expensive shoewear.

Simple, Clean, Stacked Ankle Boot??

(Fake) ALLIGATOR SKIN?

TRIANGLE BEADY THINGS???

SMOKING LOAFERS THAT TURN INTO OXFORDS?????

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph I almost just peed.

…and bought a pair of these damn things, like a damn-ass-loser-y follower:

Except mine aren’t $645.00.  And they’re not as moon-shoe-ish.

To redeem myself, I will say that I TOTALLY thought these things were SO ridiculous, then one morning I was going to get coffee and there was some gorgeous sinewy model-type in front of me wearing leggings and a pair of high tops with her blond hair all askew and wind-blown and SHIT, and I was all like “must. buy. impractical.and.ridiculous.sneakers”.  I am so disappointed in my lack of restraint.  Here are mine:

Well… yeah… they’re pretty moon-shoe-ish…

I managed to unexpectedly receive a gift card recently for FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS to spend at Holt Renfrew, which is a bigger present than anything I have ever received in my life.  Having this much money to spend on PURE FRIVOLITY (because, let’s be honest, no one is going to Holt’s to buy like, five-packs of white cotton underwear) made me temporarily feel like an actual, honest-and-for-true, Rich Person.  I decided that, instead of being sensible and using it to buy several moderately-priced smaller items, I wanted to BLOW the whole thing on one amazing item that I could never afford otherwise.

Here are some things I contemplated while trying to figure out what to buy.

First thing I came across was this orange/burgundy/red Marc by Marc Jacobs purse that is f-ing stunning and was “within” my frivolity range at $585.00.  Seriously, it is the perfect fancy-lady-slash-hipster bag, and, as such, I believed it would make me feel like a fancy lady from the 70′s-slash-hipster from the 90′s (which is like a style orgasm for my brain-hole).  It was the first thing I saw, so I didn’t want to jump the gun, but just to be sure I picked it up and walked around the store with it the whole time so that some other fucking person didn’t steal it from me.

The Marc Jacobs bag was pretty much the only purse that I liked that wasn’t $3000.00.  There was also this Rebecca Minkoff bag… but meh.  Didn’t even compare.

 On to the shoe section.  There was a sale on so there were some fancy-person heels on sale that came within my $500.00 range (jesus it is crazy that I just wrote that sentence).  First, some classic pink Louboutins:

I have never tried on Louboutin’s, and since they cost more than a month’s rent, I guess I assumed that when I put them on my foot would start singing and I would feel as if I was wearing magic comfortable uggs-slash-slippers.  JUST SO YOU KNOW… the cost of the shoes is *definitely* not related to comfort.  It felt like I put my foot into an uncomfortable cone of razors.

And, like, seriously – don’t they look exactly the same as a pair of fucking pink shoes from Aldo or Zara or something??  Like, WHAT THE F am I paying hundreds of dollars for?  NOTHING.  THAT’S WHAT.

The only other pair of shoes I tried were these studded Chloe ankle boots.  I actually really liked them, but:

1. Outside of my $500.00 price range;
2. One size too big; and
3. They are *slightly* crazy-person shoes.  Like, if I were the waifish lead-singer of a cool British alt-metal band all hepped up on heroin and on tour in Japan, I could get away with them.  Unfortunately I am a lardy Corporate shill.  So no studded boots for me.

Anyways, fuck the shoe section.  Off to clothing.

So this was the issue with the clothing section.  I am a fat lardo right now and I didn’t want to buy something that fit because I plan on losing copious amounts of lard, and I didn’t want to buy something too small because I might not lose that lard, in which case I would be wasting my $500.00.  Such a ridiculous rich fancy rich lady dilemma.

Tried on a few Helmut Lang blazers… meeeeeeeh.

And then this shirt that I thought would look cool and edgy but actually just looked like a shitty futuristic space-uniform:

Anyways.  Of course.  I left with my new love:

Have only worn it about twice because I’m petrified that it might start raining or a baby might throw up on it or something.  Still.  She is beautiful.

And so ends my one, brief, shining moment as a rich person.  Sigh.

Many items have been occurring that I have not been telling you about.  Mostly because I’ve been working like 70 hour weeks and want to shoot myself in the face most nights.  However, I think work might start to pull back a  little bit, so I wanted to keep you abreast of happenings and items and things.

1. My best friend in the whole world got engaged to the best guy ever.  Most amazing.  They are also working on something really exciting for the spring, which I will definitely be telling you about;
2. The weather has been up and down like a crazy person lately.  Bad news is that you’ll go to bed one night to a balmy 8 degrees, and wake up the next morning to a foot of snow.  GOOD news is that you’ll go to bed with a foot of snow and wake up to an 18 degree Saturday.  Fence-cat enjoys these days.
3. The quick freezes also led to some cool frozen skeleton-flowers.  Here is a skeleton flower.
4. Here is another skeleton flower hydrangea.  I kind of like it A LOT.
5. I had to go out to a “club” this Saturday (like a CLUB-club), and at first I wanted to wear this weird curtain-y hippie mini-dress with Shakespeare sleeves to be all weird and different and hippie-ish.
6. This is what that dress is supposed to look like on someone who isn’t awful-looking.
7. Here is what I actually looked like.  I did not wear the dress due to self-hatred.
8. Part of the trip to the “club” was a ride on a Party Bus.  I sat back and watched other people bust a crazy move.
9. Trav decided to be amazing and wore a shirt that lights up when music plays.
10. The Party Bus was a huge ridiculous escapade that included having to jump another Party Bus whose battery had died, and sitting at Queen and Dovercourt for 45 minutes while everyone went to the bus washroom.  Here is the sign in the bus washroom.  In retrospect, I’m pretty sure I put tissues in the toilet.
11. I got *really* drunk.  The next morning I spent 100% of my time snoozing with my love.
12. IMPORTANT DISCOVERY:  FRENCH ONION SOUP IS THE MOST AMAZING THING THAT WAS EVER CREATED.  I made this f-ing amazing soup with garlic toasts and Provolone and Gruyere and caramelized onions… I pity you for not having tasted it.
13. My vintage shopping has been on the back burner lately, but I managed to procure a CHANEL SUIT like a fucking BALLER.  It’s about fifteen pounds too small for me, so I have to lose fifteen pounds basically.
14. I have been drinking too much.
15. On that note, if you haven’t tried this wine from California you are missing out.  It’s like 15 bucks and it’s AMAZING.
16. On that note again, Bellwoods‘ retail hours has expanded so now I have a constant stream of big Bellwoods bottles in my fridge.

Here are a few things that I purchased for myself on impulse as a reward for nothing.

1. Fuzzy Leopard Wallet

I totally needed a new wallet, so this is a justifiable expense.  Also, this stupid wallet was originally $150.00 and I got it for $30.00.  Who the frig would ever spend $150.00 on a wallet?  You?  You probably should not do that, because you can get them for $30.00.

2. Two (count ‘em), TWO Rag & Bone Neon-Flecked Cropped Knit Sweaters

Why do I need two, you ask?  Because.  They’re both equally awesome and I liked them both.  That’s why.

3. Burgundy Knee-High 70′s Boots with FRIGGIN AWESOME TASSELS

Awww yeah.  So totally unnecessary.

4. Snakeskin Oversized Mick Jagger-esque Cool Guy Blazer

So, it’s been a while since I’ve splurged on a Sandro purchase, but I’ve had my eye on this blazer since it came out in early fall and it went on SUPER DUPER DUPER sale and they had one in my size and what-fucking-ever, I bought it.

5. *Perfect* Black High-Necked Fit-and-Flare Dress

Another Sandro sale purchase.  So, it doesn’t really look like much on the hanger, but this bad boy fits like a G-L-O-V-E  and make me look all svelte and lovely.  It’s about ten pounds too small for me so I have to start eating less.  But I will wear it… mark my words.

So, the other day I was shopping for a holiday outfit last minute, as is usually the case.  It’s not that I *need* another outfit, it’s more that I enjoy the pressure of finding something new and completely unneeded at the last minute like a crazy person.

Being a magic wizard, I managed to find a vintage black long-sleeved jersey Vera Wang dress at a local vintage shop.  I bet you want to punch me in the face.  I know.  If I weren’t me I would want to punch me in the face too.

Anyways, although the dress was beautiful and fit me like a sex-glove, it felt a little plain to be a “holiday” dress, so I started looking for some jewelry or something along those lines, and came across a shop selling these like, feather-shoulder-things with chains on them.  They looked kind of cool so I wandered in and took a look.

They were some feathers.  Some chains.  There was also a price tag.  For sixty bucks.

So in my mind I was all like – WTF, how is this sixty bucks?

Then the salesperson comes over and says “OH, those are from a Toronto artist, they are SO nice.”

And in my brain-hole I thought to myself “YEAH, one of your friends who lives in the city went to fucking Sussman’s on Queen and bought ten dollars worth of feathers and hot glued them together and added some cheap-ass chain.”

SO THEN I thought in my brain-hole “I CAN ALSO go to Sussman’s on Queen and buy ten dollars of feathers and hot glue them together.”

So I did.

Here is my DIY for feather epaulettes.  Total cost with pins: $12.00.

You will need:

• 2 long brown feather fan-thingies (they come pre-fanned)
• 2 short brownish patterned feather fan-thingies
• Some pins
• Hot glue gun

Process:

Glue the small fans to the big fans.  Sew on the pins.  Pin that shit onto the shoulders of your fucking dress.

Important Tips:

Don’t leave your vintage Vera Wang dress with newly affixed DIY feather epaulettes within reach of your dink-hole of a dog.

SHE RIPPED THAT SHIT APART.  No remorse, either:

So after all that work I had to wear the plain dress with NO FEATHER EPAULETTES like a NO TALENT BUM.

After five glasses of wine and three beers I decided to forgive her when I got home at the end of the night.

Alright.  Time to get your fall wardrobe filled out.   Almost the whole summer has gone by with no sale, and I know you’re thinking,

 ”Natalie – WTF?  I thought we were pals.”  And so now, I’m like,

“Simmer down.  We’re having a sale this Saturday.”  And you’re all like,

“About frigging time.”

You too can be as happy-go-lucky as Sarah in 100% Shoebox Vintage.  Just saying.

Yes.  It’s true.  Mega-Hyper-Explosion-Super-Duper Fall Sale is occuring this Saturday.  I was looking through my closet yesterday to try to pull some things out that I haven’t worn in a while (or haven’t worn EVER, with the PRICES still attached because I am a crazy person who has a disease), and I was all like,

“Holy balls we’ll have so much stuff to sell.”

So seriously.  You should get your bunsicle in gear and make it down here.  Prices so low you’ll think we’ve gone cray-cray.  Here are the details:

WHAT: A vintage and pre-owned clothing sale
WHEN: Saturday, September 15
TIME: 11 - 5
WHERE: 102 Bellwoods Ave (east of Trinity Bellwoods, between Queen W and Dundas)
WHO: YOU

Please bring cash. 

WHAT will we be selling?

• Oh, you know… amazing vintage numbers from both high-end designers like PRADA, MISSONI, YVES SAINT LAURENT, CHRISTIAN DIOR… you know, NO BIG DEAL.
• Cool, more laid-back vintagey stuff from Levi’s, Pendleton, Wrangler, etc….
• Leather jackets, leather skirts, jeans, silky dresses, maxi skirts, mini skirts, wicked-cool plaid, jackets and coats, boots, shoes… basically any kind of clothing that exists, we’ll be selling version of it.
• Pre-owned clothing from brands like Bench, Banana Republic, Club Monaco, Aritzia, Zara, J Brand, Madewell, J Crew, Urban Outfitters, etc., etc.

STILL not enough reason to come?  You are a tough sell, woman.  Prices will be LOW LOW LOW.  Lower than Britney Spears’ self-esteem.  Lower than Christina Aguilera’s jeans in the “Genie in a Bottle” video.  Lower than… well… you get the picture.

Brocade
Yes, I’m sure you’ve seen all the huge crazy, ornate fall spreads with multiple paisley/Victorian/pattered what-have you junk all smashed together.   I envision myself losing about 30 pounds, growing about 6 inches, and buying a pair of like, lithe brocade bell bottoms and wearing them with a ridiculous sequined jacket and paisley silk tie-necked top and then buying a burgundy felt floppy hat  and then BEING A COOL HIPPIE GIRL FROM THE SEVENTIES.   Also Russian.  I feel like I want to be like, kind of Russian.  Note: percentage of time I have spent dreaming up this ridiculous “I’m a cool person” fantasy – 75% of my day.

Winter Kate
Speaking of boho-hippie-Russian-paisley-brocade-embroidered-what have you, I am totally and completely obsessed with Winter Kate, Nicole Ritchie’s clothing line.  Her F/W 2012 line actually kinda sucks ball sacks, but everything before has the exact perfect drape-y hippie COOL HIPPIE GIRL FROM THE SEVENTIES.  It’s *possible* I just bought that silk maxi dress with the eastern-inspired embroidery above.  Where will I wear this dress?  Why, to all the “cool girl from the seventies” events that will invariably pop up once my fashion dreams become a reality.  Obviously, I am currently not invited to these secret events because my boring “not a cool hippie girl from the seventies” wardrobe scares people away.

Socks
I have decided that wearing socks with heels all winter fits in with whatever mashed-up fashion monster I am creating here (see “cool hippie girl from the seventies” above).   So I went into Joe Fresh and bought every colour of sock they had, and I’m going to wear MANY-A-SOCK this winter, a la Madonna in the Borderline video.  ARE YOU READY FOR IT?  Probably not.  Just get ready. 

Weaving
Something non-fashion related, but definitely COOL HIPPIE GIRL FROM THE SEVENTIES related is that I have decided that I’m going to construct a make-shift ghetto loom and create a weaved wall hanging for my wall.  If you know me, you know that I will become obsessed with this idea and will make it happen at the expense of a lot of time and lost sleep.  If my ghetto loom is robust enough I might decide to quit my job and become a full-time “70′s wall hanging seller” on etsy.  How cool girl from the seventies is THAT?