I didn’t have a lot to do this weekend, which means I wandered around spending money on things I don’t need. Here is an analysis of my stupid purchases:
Item: Vintage 70′s Denim Vest Purchased at: Trinity Bellwoods Giant Yard Sale Cost: $3.00 Why I Bought It: SORRY, DID YOU SEE THE PICTURE? COME. ON. Wearability: a 4 out of 10. Can wear Canadian Tuxedo styles with jeans or like, with other things… I don’t know… I’ll figure it out… IT’S AN AWESOME VEST, COME ON.
Item: Vintage 90′s Floral Flippy Mini Skirt Purchased at: Philistine Cost: $35.00 Why I Bought It: It’s getting frigging hot and I need things that are short but that aren’t *actual* shorts because my legs look like sausages in actual shorts. Wearability: a 6 out of 10. Very wearable for casual stuff and the navy goes with a lot. Can’t wear to work as is too slutty.
Item: Vintage Cole Haan Tassle Loafers Purchased at: Philistine Cost: $40.00 Why I Bought It: Although I have many many many pairs of shoes, and many pairs of loafer-type things, I do not have a black pair. AND these are fucking adorable. Jesus. Wearability: a 7 out of 10. Super comfortable and they are fancy enough to wear for more serious things. Sometimes black flat shoes make my legs look like sausages though, so I need to be careful.
Item: Vintage 70′s Cotton Gauze Peasant-Boho-Hippie-Western-Cool-Girl Maxi Dress Purchased at: Silver Falls Vintage Cost: $35.00 Why I Bought It: I DON’T KNOW. THERE IS NO REASON. Wearability: a 2 out of 10. Where am I going to wear this fucking thing? Nowhere. Never. It just makes me happy that I have it sitting in my closet and that I can put it on and do pirouettes and feel like a 70′s hippie princess every couple of weeks, and it hides my sausage legs. Don’t judge me. I know you’re jealous.
When I found out I was going to have some free time in Santa Fe, my first course of action was to go into my bank account and calculate how much money I could spend on superfluous pieces of turquoise jewelry and unnecessary southwestern textiles. Do I need either of these things? Fuck no.
First thing I wanted to go see was the Native American Vendors Program, which is a government-sponsored/organized section of the local Governors building where Native American artists and vendors can sell their work to walkers-by.
There was a LOT of turquoise, and I pretty much plottzed. I guess I thought because I was in New Mexico, the turquoise would be super cheap, and although it was definitely not as expensive as it is in Toronto, it really wasn’t crazy reduced.
There was lots of great silver-work, too. I wanted this damn braided bracelet SO F-ING bad, but it was like $250 bucks and even with my superior bartering skills, I can’t afford that shit. So I left it. Devastating. DEV-A-STA-TING!
First objective: get rings. I liked this one, but the guy wasn’t budging on price and I was all like “forget you, guy”, and went on to the next booth. As you can see, I am a shrewd and savvy negotiator.
In the end, I went a little bananas. Three turquoise rings, and one sliver one. I love them so much. Even though they highlight the piglety-ness of my fingers, I shall wear them as often as I can.
My second objective was to do some vintage shopping, which is becoming an all-consuming need when I visit a new place. I have a desire to buy something so that I can be all like “Yeah, whatever, I got it at a vintage store in <insert town here>. No big deal.” Since I only had one day, I did a bit of research before coming, and this place called Double Take came up many times.
Double Take is huge and has like, a bunch of sub-stores within it. There is a main “regular thrift” store at the bottom, a “western and cowboy vintage” store to one side, a full-on crazy antique and furniture store on the top level, and like baby and kids stores on the side. I went to the vintage cowboy section first. OF COURSE.
I considered getting a pair of cowboy boots, but then I remembered that I have probably about seventeen pairs of cowboy boots already and I never wear them. I actually restrained myself. So proud. Especially after my turquoise binge.
On to the hats. I don’t know if you know, but I look *really* good in hats. Like, all hats. I think it’s because I have an abnormally large gorilla-head, and hats balance out its size. Here are some hats:
I *wish* I had the nutsack to wear the black hat below around, because I think its so FUCKING bad-ass. However, it is also in “crazy-lady” territory if you can’t pull it off well. I chose not to purchase it, because I already think my friends kind of feel like I”m a crazy-lady based on some of the other hats I own. No need to fan the fires of crazy-lady talk.
Instead, I moved onto the vintage cowboy/southwestern wear and fell in damn-ass-poo LOVE with this off-the-shoulder southwestern fancy lady shirt. BOUGHT.
Double Take is also where I found this weird two stone ring. Most turquoise rings started at at least $70 USD, even for ones WAY smaller than this one, but for some reason this one was priced at $25. Neither me nor any of the salespeople were able to determine why it was so cheap. Stones and silver all real. BOUGHT.
There was a *lot* of jewelry. Bolo ties galore. I really wanted that blue jug, too, but it was like $140 or some shit. Forget you, snooty expensive blue jug.
The last (I promise) turquoise thing I bought was this SWEET ASS Zuni necklace below. The design is called the “Squash Blossom”, and again, these are usually SUPER FUCKING expensive. Like, we’re talking $1000.00 expensive (Google that shit). I found this in a huge display case with other turquoise that was 30% off for some reason and there was a small little price written on one corner that said $89. The salesperson was like… “I’m pretty sure that’s not the price”… and I was all like “Woman. It says that price. You have to sell it to me or I’ll sue you.” SO SHE DID. I have no idea whether you can sue people for writing the wrong price on things, but it seems plausible.
I know it has a couple of stones missing, but I DON’T CARE. BOUGHT.
OH YEAH. I also found this Jil Sander skirt for SEVEN DOLLARS.
YA, I SAID SEVEN DOLLARS. Please visit here to get a frame of reference on how fucking unbelievable that is. It also fit like a sexy butt-glove. It says “as is” on the tag, but I searched for about 20 minutes and couldn’t find a single fucking thing wrong with it. FUNKING BOUGHT.
The antiques and artwork in the upper level were also pretty amazing. There is my blue jug, being all expensive:
I seriously considered buying that “Canada” apron below but then I was like “where the fuck will I put that shit?” so I didn’t. I also wanted the two posters. But have no where to put them, either. Le sob.
YES. Neon wolf howling at cactus:
YES. Happy skeleton lady, painted on a damn plate:
YES. 1970′s tacky-amazing dishware:
Sigh. Popped into a couple of other stores, but to be perfectly honest, I had pretty much drained my budget at this point so I didn’t really have money to spend anyways.
Went back to my hotel and ate a delicious club sammie:
Then they were serving s’mores in the lobby so I hauled my fat ass over for a s’more to eat while watching the sun set:
FYI – the sunsets in Santa Fe are UNBELIEVABLE. I felt like I was watching the end of a dramatic movie. The light changes constantly and the colours are so vivid. Eyeball boner.
The best part is that as soon as the light drops out of sight, like thirty coyotes howl as loud as fuck. It was like nature-magic.
Since it was my last day I wanted to get a video of the sunset, so I took my s’more and ran up a steep hill to get a good view. Here is my video. You can hear me gasping for breath like an obese person because I am so out of shape. Try to block that out and focus on the beauty of the moment:
Highly recommend Santa Fe. Go. I’ll leave you with my picstiched Insta of the sunset. My hipster homage:
You know why I likey so much? Because it’s all poo-green like in the olden-days. I like the olden-days, much better than I like the current-days, mostly because of the appliance colours. I mean, let’s be honest. Appliance colours really do define the zeitgeist, more so than political change or social movements. The main reason that the 2000′s sucked was because of all the stainless steel appliances. You know what stainless steel appliances lead to? Paris Hilton. Obviously. And nobody wants that.
Anyways, so the other day I was sitting on the floor of my kitchen, staring aimlessly into space as I often do, wondering how I could make my kitchen more old-timey without spending a jabillion dollars, as I often do. And then I realized the solution was simple.
PAINT THAT SHIT. Like… with house paint.
I submit as evidence, the kitchen scale that I bought for $2.00 at a yard sale last year:
It has a marginal retro vibe, yes. But it is pretty boring. IMAGINE IF THAT BAD BOY had an old-timey appliance colour? I can guarantee no one would be selling it at a yard sale. They’d be putting that shizz up on Etsy for like $150.00. FYI: Old-timey appliance colours fall into the following brackets:
50′s-60′s: mint green and like, farty pinks
70′s: poo-greens and eyeball-attacking oranges
80′s: anything with lasers painted on it
My kitchen has beautiful, imported, calm blue Italian glass tiles for a back splash (due to my MEGA BALLERDOM), and although I really like my poo-green Kitchenaid, I felt that a mint-green would be appropriately old-timey.
DIY Retro Kitchen Thingamajig
Materials
Appliance Thingamajig (i.e. yard-sale scale)
Can of paint (need ideas for colours? I just gave you some. Avert eyes upwards.)
Painter’s Tape
Paintbrush
An Exuberant Spirit and Positive Outlook (optional)
Step One: Tape the areas that you don’t want to be all retro-looking (i.e. the areas that actual have functional parts and moving levers and pulleys and junk):
Step Two: Prime the Thingamajig:
Step Three:
Paint it mint green. Slap a coat of low-gloss polyurethane on it. Bask in the glory of your mint-green success. Put fruits on it. Take pictures of it. Instagram them. And so on and so forth.
Many items have been occurring that I have not been telling you about. Mostly because I’ve been working like 70 hour weeks and want to shoot myself in the face most nights. However, I think work might start to pull back a little bit, so I wanted to keep you abreast of happenings and items and things.
My best friend in the whole world got engaged to the best guy ever. Most amazing. They are also working on something really exciting for the spring, which I will definitely be telling you about;
The weather has been up and down like a crazy person lately. Bad news is that you’ll go to bed one night to a balmy 8 degrees, and wake up the next morning to a foot of snow. GOOD news is that you’ll go to bed with a foot of snow and wake up to an 18 degree Saturday. Fence-cat enjoys these days.
The quick freezes also led to some cool frozen skeleton-flowers. Here is a skeleton flower.
Here is another skeleton flower hydrangea. I kind of like it A LOT.
I had to go out to a “club” this Saturday (like a CLUB-club), and at first I wanted to wear this weird curtain-y hippie mini-dress with Shakespeare sleeves to be all weird and different and hippie-ish.
This is what that dress is supposed to look like on someone who isn’t awful-looking.
Here is what I actually looked like. I did not wear the dress due to self-hatred.
Part of the trip to the “club” was a ride on a Party Bus. I sat back and watched other people bust a crazy move.
Trav decided to be amazing and wore a shirt that lights up when music plays.
The Party Bus was a huge ridiculous escapade that included having to jump another Party Bus whose battery had died, and sitting at Queen and Dovercourt for 45 minutes while everyone went to the bus washroom. Here is the sign in the bus washroom. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure I put tissues in the toilet.
I got *really* drunk. The next morning I spent 100% of my time snoozing with my love.
IMPORTANT DISCOVERY: FRENCH ONION SOUP IS THE MOST AMAZING THING THAT WAS EVER CREATED. I made this f-ing amazing soup with garlic toasts and Provolone and Gruyere and caramelized onions… I pity you for not having tasted it.
My vintage shopping has been on the back burner lately, but I managed to procure a CHANEL SUIT like a fucking BALLER. It’s about fifteen pounds too small for me, so I have to lose fifteen pounds basically.
I have been drinking too much.
On that note, if you haven’t tried this wine from California you are missing out. It’s like 15 bucks and it’s AMAZING.
On that note again, Bellwoods‘ retail hours has expanded so now I have a constant stream of big Bellwoods bottles in my fridge.
So, the other day I was shopping for a holiday outfit last minute, as is usually the case. It’s not that I *need* another outfit, it’s more that I enjoy the pressure of finding something new and completely unneeded at the last minute like a crazy person.
Being a magic wizard, I managed to find a vintage black long-sleeved jersey Vera Wang dress at a local vintage shop. I bet you want to punch me in the face. I know. If I weren’t me I would want to punch me in the face too.
Anyways, although the dress was beautiful and fit me like a sex-glove, it felt a little plain to be a “holiday” dress, so I started looking for some jewelry or something along those lines, and came across a shop selling these like, feather-shoulder-things with chains on them. They looked kind of cool so I wandered in and took a look.
They were some feathers. Some chains. There was also a price tag. For sixty bucks.
So in my mind I was all like – WTF, how is this sixty bucks?
Then the salesperson comes over and says “OH, those are from a Toronto artist, they are SO nice.”
And in my brain-hole I thought to myself “YEAH, one of your friends who lives in the city went to fucking Sussman’s on Queen and bought ten dollars worth of feathers and hot glued them together and added some cheap-ass chain.”
SO THEN I thought in my brain-hole “I CAN ALSO go to Sussman’s on Queen and buy ten dollars of feathers and hot glue them together.”
So I did.
Here is my DIY for feather epaulettes. Total cost with pins: $12.00.
You will need:
2 long brown feather fan-thingies (they come pre-fanned)
2 short brownish patterned feather fan-thingies
Some pins
Hot glue gun
Process:
Glue the small fans to the big fans. Sew on the pins. Pin that shit onto the shoulders of your fucking dress.
Important Tips:
Don’t leave your vintage Vera Wang dress with newly affixed DIY feather epaulettes within reach of your dink-hole of a dog.
SHE RIPPED THAT SHIT APART. No remorse, either:
So after all that work I had to wear the plain dress with NO FEATHER EPAULETTES like a NO TALENT BUM.
After five glasses of wine and three beers I decided to forgive her when I got home at the end of the night.
Alright. Time to get your fall wardrobe filled out. Almost the whole summer has gone by with no sale, and I know you’re thinking,
”Natalie – WTF? I thought we were pals.” And so now, I’m like,
“Simmer down. We’re having a sale this Saturday.” And you’re all like,
“About frigging time.”
You too can be as happy-go-lucky as Sarah in 100% Shoebox Vintage. Just saying.
Yes. It’s true. Mega-Hyper-Explosion-Super-Duper Fall Sale is occuring this Saturday. I was looking through my closet yesterday to try to pull some things out that I haven’t worn in a while (or haven’t worn EVER, with the PRICES still attached because I am a crazy person who has a disease), and I was all like,
“Holy balls we’ll have so much stuff to sell.”
So seriously. You should get your bunsicle in gear and make it down here. Prices so low you’ll think we’ve gone cray-cray. Here are the details:
WHAT: A vintage and pre-owned clothing sale WHEN: Saturday, September 15 TIME: 11 - 5 WHERE: 102 Bellwoods Ave (east of Trinity Bellwoods, between Queen W and Dundas) WHO: YOU
Please bring cash.
WHAT will we be selling?
Oh, you know… amazing vintage numbers from both high-end designers like PRADA, MISSONI, YVES SAINT LAURENT, CHRISTIAN DIOR… you know, NO BIG DEAL.
Cool, more laid-back vintagey stuff from Levi’s, Pendleton, Wrangler, etc….
Leather jackets, leather skirts, jeans, silky dresses, maxi skirts, mini skirts, wicked-cool plaid, jackets and coats, boots, shoes… basically any kind of clothing that exists, we’ll be selling version of it.
Pre-owned clothing from brands like Bench, Banana Republic, Club Monaco, Aritzia, Zara, J Brand, Madewell, J Crew, Urban Outfitters, etc., etc.
STILL not enough reason to come? You are a tough sell, woman. Prices will be LOW LOW LOW. Lower than Britney Spears’ self-esteem. Lower than Christina Aguilera’s jeans in the “Genie in a Bottle” video. Lower than… well… you get the picture.
I decided that for fall I am going to be Michelle Phillips in the 70′s. Why? SEE PICTURE ABOVE. She is mega-cool. Jeez. Floral maxi dress with blazer? Oh yes. Big ol’ heeled boots? Uh, yes. HAIR IN BRAIDED GERMAN BUNS???? So many kinds of unadulterated yesses. For additional coolness evidence, please see the picture below:
YEAH WHATEVER. Just like some kind of cool Girl Scout leader or some shit being all cool and 70′s. At first I thought maybe she was chewing on a bean in this photo but that seems somewhat unlikely, so I’m going to go with super-cool hand-rolled cigarette.
NO BIG DEAL.
I shall leave you with this:
WHATEVER JUST WEARING A BROCADE SUIT AND EATING A BANANA THEN I DECIDE TO TRANSPORT A FIRE HYDRANT AND HOLD A GIANT GLOBE WHILE ALSO HOLDING AND EATING THE BANANA.
Self-hating, dog-loving and cheese-eating in Toronto. 
