Recipes

Wicked-Easy and Delicious Peach Blueberry Crisp

Easy-Peach-Blueberry-Crisp

I went to the cottage this weekend and, in typical Natalie-fashion, vowed to myself that I would only bring healthy food. With this in mind, I went to Whole Foods and bought several BUCKETS of fresh fruit, imagining myself lounging on the dock, feeding myself sliced peaches and blueberries while sipping cucumber water and feeling superior to other people while my thin limbs glowed in the sunlight like the well-defined legs of a newborn deer.

In similar Natalie-fashion, I forgot ALL the fruit I bought in the damn fridge crisper when I packed for the cottage.  To console myself, I drowned my healthy-resolution sorrows in Smartfood, bacon, and rum.

That is neither here nor there.  The real point of this post is that, when I came home from the cottage, a nutrient-deprived, rum-hungover-ed mess, I had a whole fucking fridge of fruit that needed to be eaten STAT…

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Who buys NINE peaches?

…so I made this Peach Blueberry Crisp.

Stuff you Need:

  • A few honking spoonfuls of unsalted butter, melted in the microwave
  • I don’t know, probably a cup of all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 cup brown sugar
  • Dash of cinnamon
  • Dash of salt
  • One package instant oatmeal (I chose Brown Sugar flavour, but like, do whatever you want)
  • One pint blueberries, washed and dried
  • 3 medium peaches, halved, pitted, and sliced into smaller pieces
  • 1/4 cup granulated sugar
  • 3 Tbs. cornstarch
  • Dash of freshly ground nutmeg

Yeah, so wash all yer fruit.  You need to pull the peaches off the pit, which can be messy, especially if the peaches are over-ripe.  Or under-ripe.  Basically, you better wish your peaches are at the perfectly ripeness level or else you’ll be up to your armpits in acidic peach juice.

I found that if you run your knife along the center of the peach, in a circle, all the way around the pit, then make another slice next to that big slice, you can wiggle the first slice off the pit pretty easily, then you just keep slicing off pieces from there.

Peach Cutting 101

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Ok, so throw your peach “cubes” and blueberries into a giant bowl and pour in the white sugar, cornstarch, nutmeg, and a small dash of salt, and stir it all up nice and good-like:

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Then toss it in a buttered pan.

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YESSSSS.  Fruit with sugar and nutmeg ALL UP IN MY FACE:

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Ok, put that aside.  Try to resist the urge to eat pieces of it while making the crisp topping.

For the topping, mix the melted butter with the brown sugar, flour, dash of salt, cinnamon, and package of instant oatmeal – mix that shizz with clean hands so you can feel the consistency.  So this is why making crisp is SUPER EASY.  If you get the proportions wrong, just keep adding either more butter or more flour until it feels right.

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See below for a good “crisp topping” consistency.  If you have too much butter, it will be too gooey.  If you have too much flour, it will be too dry.  Just like… use your brain.  Come on.

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Now pour the delicious topping on the delicious bottom and STUFF THAT SHIT IN THE OVEN.

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Bake for about 35 – 40 minutes or until the top is slightly golden and the delicious fruits are bubbling and boiling.

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WHAAAT>????????

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Let it cool because I fucking burnt my entire trachea trying to demolish my first helping.

PUT IT ON A CHINA PLATE AND STUFF YOUR FACE:

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Farfalle with like, Mushrooms and Bacon and Creme

Farfalle-Recipe

Whhhhaaaat?  Pasta, you MUST be tired because you have been running through my mind ALL day.

So it’s possible that I’m going on vacation to paradise in about three weeks, and it’s also possible that I am allowing the monsters of peer pressure invade my strong feminist mind to tell me that I should lose weight and not be a fattybobatty.  I have decided that my translucent-white whale skin needs to be wrapped around thighs that are as small as possible to detract from their horror.

At the same time, I want to resist against the oppressive social machine that tells me whaley white jiggle thighs are bad.  I MEAN, I would clearly survive the longest in some kind of horrible, meteor-inflicted famine. SHOULDN’T THAT be the REAL indicator of hottness?

With this in mind, I decided to craft a recipe SO FATTY… so BUTTER INFUSED… so CARBOHYDRATE-UNNECESSARY, that it would easily add on one extra day of survival (read: three extra thigh-pounds) in the unlikely event of a famine.

Farfalle with Exotic Mushrooms & Bacon Creme Sauce

  • A heap of Farfalle Pasta
  • Like, three handfulls of Cremini, Portobello & Oyster Mushrooms, coarsely chopped
  • Five strips of Ready Crisp Bacon
  • 1/2 chopped up Sweet Onion
  • Tablespoon of chopped garlic
  • 1/2 glass of white wine (leaving 2.5 glasses left to drink while cooking)
  • 2 Tablespoons of Butter
  • Parsley or Thyme (Thyme is always better)
  • Some shakes of Parmesan Cheese
  • 1/2 cup Cooking Creme
  • Salt and Pepper

Instructions:

Wash your bowl of fungus:

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Melt butter under medium-high heat and add salt & pepper.  Throw in chopped onion and garlic and let that stuff simmer and make your house smell like food-sex.  Chop up fungus and put in butter/onion/garlic heaven:

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While that shizz is simmering, cook the Ready Crisp bacon in the microwave and pat out all the grease.  Chop it up to like, I don’t know, like 0.5 centimeter chunks.  Use your judgement.  I’m not your mother.

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Chop up that parsley too.  Parsley was all I had but next time I’ll use thyme.  Let’s be honest – parsley is like the Celine Dion of herbs.  It’s totally overdone and everyone is bored with it and when you experience it, you don’t even really notice unless someone puts fireworks behind it.

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WAHOO look at that steam all up.  Throw in the white wine now, if you can bear to part with it.  The alcohol evaporates off while you simmer it, which is pretty depressing.  I guess you could put your face over the pan with your mouth open hoping to let some of the vaporized alcohol enter your mouth and like, eye holes.  It would be a pretty efficient way to get drunk probably.

Anyways, let the pan of delicious shizz simmer until the liquid starts to evaporate and your dealing with a chunky, non-soupy type mixture…

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Ok, so now put in the Cooking Creme.  I don’t really know the different between Cooking Creme and like, Normal Cow Creme, but in the grocery store there was a normal creme and a cooking creme, and since I was cooking with it, I was all like, “I guess I should get the cooking creme.”  Pour it in, then add the bacon and parsley.

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Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you should probably have the pasta on the stove and like, be boiling it so that it’s ready soon.  So that should be pretty much ready.  Sorry if I screwed up by not mentioning that earlier,  but I mean, learn to be kind of independent sometimes. Man, you are getting clingy.

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WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  I want you in my mouth.

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Ok, so when the pasta is ready and well-drained, throw it back in the pot, and add in the delicious sauce mixture.  Toss it all around to get all the fattiness well-distributed.

Add some Parmesan cheese on the top.

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I think we need a closer view:

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Even closer.

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Ok that last one was a little too close.  Something in between.

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PERFECT.  EAT THAT SHIT AND WATCH YOUR THIGHS EXPAND BEFORE YOUR EYES.

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