…most of the time, with all things, basically.
When it comes to gardening, though, I am totally and completely clueless. I have unintentionally murdered many-a-plant. Mostly through a combination of extreme neglect, then guilt and extreme smothering with water after realizing that I’ve pretty much killed the plant due to neglect. Then it rots and dies.
I feel like that should be some kind of metaphor for all my relationships in life, but it’s not. But if it was, it would be all poetic and shit, and I would write a book called “The Tao of Gardening” about a handsome male gardener who teaches the stupid clueless girl about gardening, but it would be this big metaphor for their relationship and then she would learn the error of her ways and they would tumble into the garden all romantic-like and bang.*
*Note: I still might write that book because it sounds like it would sell, so DON’T STEAL MY IDEA.
Now that I have inherited a huge, complex, and multi-staged garden from my previous tenants, I have to get my shit together and figure out how to keep things alive. In the fall, it had overgrown to “That-Crazy-Person-on-the-Street-with-the-Jungle-Garden” stage. I did a bit of work earlier in the spring, but then I was too busy watching Game of Thrones reruns and drinking wine to occupy myself with the garden.
The worst part about it is that some of my neighbours have outright said to me “I HOPE YOU MAINTAIN THAT GARDEN BECAUSE WE ALL LIKE IT”, and there is this huge mountain on guilt on my shoulders every time I enter or exit my house, because I’m sure all my responsible, financially independant neighbours with children are talking about me at their book clubs at night and saying things like “That alcoholic girl down the street is totally MURDERING that garden. What a bitch.”
Then last week, I caved. Things were starting to look pretty ragged.
I planted none of those plants. The only thing that I have added to this garden is about 50 purple tulips that are not pictured because my garden is fucking huge and I can’t even fit it in one photo.
So on Sunday, when we had those 3 hours of sunshine, I got my arse in gear and figured I should TCB.
So, little known fact: “gardening” really means “ripping shit up from the ground and hoping it’s a weed”. This is a problem, because everything in my garden, unless it’s flowering, or I’ve seen it in my mom’s garden, looks like a weed.
Take the image below:
There are definitely 3 different plants here, denoted by the circles. But then, there are other leaves that kind of look like the other leaves, but might be other plants.
I have no fucking idea what is supposed to be here and what isn’t. So I just ripped a bunch of shit up and left, like a couple of sprigs of the plants that were mystery-plants. Here is my “after” picture (after 2 hours of gardening… it looks pretty much the same):
Anyways, let’s revel in the actual non-weeds that have magically appeared in my garden with absolutely no work from me.
SO MANY HOSTAS. It’s fucking Hosta Town in there. All the other plants are just visiting.
Couple of random daffodils. I like daffodils that have a different colour “shaft” than “base”.
Does anyone know what this thing is? It looks all fancy with its pointy leaves… and there is definitely some kind of flower bud all busting out. I hope it’s a big poofy flower, because those are awesome.
This big leafy dark thing. Again, I have no idea but he looks expensive. Thoughts?
I’m preeeety sure that is a big ol’ viney rose bush thing. No big deal, just live in a house with a big vine of roses out front. FANCY.
Here are all the tulips I planted in the fall. I didn’t plan out the spacing too well, I know. Stop judging me.
And my favorite thing right now… fiddleheads!
I think. Are fiddleheads just un-exploded ferns?
Yes, I just googled it and they are.
I will keep you updated as I continue to fumble through this shit and likely kill something really expensive.