As a continuation of my super glamorous professional lifestyle, I was whisked off to Baltimore last week to continue with some film production and shizznat along those lines.
So I’m sure you’re all like “BALTIMORE? Glamorous!?? Isn’t Baltimore all like:
And, truth be told, my only exposure to Baltimore was watching episodes of The Wire, too, so I thought I was headed to a “Hamsterdam”-style ghetto where people would be trying to solicit drugs by screaming out “WMDs! WMDs!” and what-not.
But, to my surprise and delight, the Baltimore that I saw was actually GORgeous. Look at that harbour!
Unbeknownst to me (well, “knownst”… I guess… but I never really thought about it…) that week they were celebrating the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812. I was all like “Huh… yeah… I guess it would be the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812. Because it’s 2012.”. Anyways, there were a whole bunch of Tall Ships in the harbour from around the world and SAILORS EVERYWHERE.
Like full on sailors in white flood pants and sailor hats a la 1950s musicals.
Since I felt a bit ignorant, I decided to be super-intellectual and go onto Wikipedia that night while sitting in the bathtub and drinking a beer.
According to Wikipedia, this is something I should know about, as it has “IMMENSE NATIONAL SIGNIFICANCE” for Canadians, and “NUMEROUS” ceremonies are scheduled in 2012 to commemorate this thing. Am I stupid for not knowing about the Battle of Queenston Heights? Meh? I’m sure I learned about it in like, Grade Five. Maybe?
Anyways, in Baltimore at least, they were having “numerous ceremonies”, including a huge Tall Ships thing where ships came from around the world, and there were sailors everywhere.
Also, did you know that the US national anthem was written in Baltimore just after the War of 1812? WELL NOW YOU FUCKING KNOW.
To “commemorate” this event of “immense national significance”, I decided to go shopping and *almost* bought this dress, but didn’t. I thought it made my body look a little wonky, but now I regret it, because it was a rainbow dress, and rainbow dresses should, by rule, be bought because they are rainbow, regardless of whether the striping along the chest/stomach makes you look like an Oompa Loompa.
Unfortunately for me, I actually had to work and wear a suit.
LOOK HOW FANCY I AM.
LOOK HOW FANCY MY HOTEL IS.
LOOK HOW FANCY I AM AGAIN:
THEN I DRINK A FANCY BEER IN THE BATHTUB:
AND I WATCH A FANCY TV EMBEDDED INTO MY BATHROOM MIRROR WHILE SITTING IN THE BATHTUB:
Then, I had a southwestern chicken salad and crab cakes in the airport restaurant on the way home. These things were surprisingly delicious, albeit significantly less fancy.