You Suck


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Weekendly Things – Special Edition

Lots of raised, disapproving eyebrows.

I will admit it. Truth is, when I get drunk, I can be a bit belligerent. However, it is almost entirely focused on gross guys who hit on me, so I don’t feel as though I’m being a bad person. And if the guy is nice, and treats me like an intelligent equal, then I remain nice.

But when gross, meat-head guys hit on me, I get belligerent. Personally, I think I’m being the funniest person in the world.

Mostly it involves outsmarting them by challenging them to a game of wits (5% of the time), rejecting them, then telling them their cologne smells like someone vomited up lysol and cheese (5% of the time), or calling them over, saying I have to tell them something important, then making a really loud fart noise in their ear with my mouth (90% of the time).

I usually pick the last one because IT’S THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER.

Anyways, on the weekend I went out to a “club” with some friends. I say “club” and not “bar” because it was like, a full out “club” with like “club music” and “club rats” and “escalades” out “front” and “tanned” girls wearing “satin” strapless “dresses”. I have not been to a “club” in a long time. Mostly because of what I just described.

This is what girls do while drunk.  Shameful, I know.

However, we went and I got drunk. Totally in the belligerent-Natalie zone.

First, I was doing the fart noises with my mouth thing pretty much the whole time I was dancing. Some guy would look over at me, and I would dance all sexy for a second, then I would be like “I have something important to talk to you about” and I would make a big sloppy raspberry in his ear. Boys do not like this very much.  HILARIOUS.

STRAIGHT THUGGIN’ in the bathroom.

Anyways, some gross creepy guy walked by me and kind of pushed me, then turned around and gave me this creepy-stalker stare like I was a piece of meat.

So naturally I looked him straight in the eye and gave him the finger in his gross turdy face. I may have also done a fart noise with my mouth – I don’t remember. It’s very likely.

That was probably a bad idea.

Because, apparently, turd-man was the owner of the bar.

He brought a bouncer over to me and said “NO ONE TREATS THE OWNER OF THE CLUB THAT WAY – KICK HER OUT!”

So they threw me in the back alley of the club, by myself. My friends were still inside. They made me stay out there, wasted, by myself, with no one making sure I wasn’t abducted or something worse. Finally my friends found me and we went over to another bar and danced for the rest of the night.

Afterwards I came home and sat on the floor and ate a whole bag of rice cakes.

I know what you’re thinking – did you learn something from this event? Perhaps to be less belligerent when you get drunk and go to bars Natalie?

Click on the file below to see what I learned:

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No, I have learned nothing.

Posted in Randomness, You Suck 4 Comments »

How to Tell if You Suck

If you’re this guy… you suck:

Oh, hey… what is the type of car that you drive?  I’m too lazy to turn my head slightly to the left and right of your back bumper.  THANK GOD you put it on your license plate.  Now I can sit quietly in awe of your douchy car without minimally straining my neck muscles.

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