Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger

Dear Chick Who Almost Gave Me a Heart Attack,

When you popped out of H&M in front of me and started walking down the street, I thought that you were actually naked from the waist down.  Like, I thought you were wearing no pants.  Actually pantsless.  For a split second, I sped up a little bit, because I was going to tell you that you forgot to re-put on your pants in the changeroom at H&M.

Then I realized you were wearing nude, slightly shiny leggings from American Apparel with a shirt that didn’t cover your bum or cooch.  The leggings were the EXACT colour of your skin, and they were so tight on your arse that they re-created your bum crack completely.  Thank GOD you weren’t walking towards me, because I didn’t have to see your gross freaky-deaky nude leggings camel toe.  I can only imagine you looked something like this

THAT’S SO GROSS.  YOU’RE SO GROSS. 

Love,
Natalie

Posted in Dear Stranger, Illustrated 2 Comments »

Dear Stranger

Unless you are:

  1. Samuel L. Jackson; or
  2. trying to repel women…

you should not wear your newsboy hat backwards.

Love,
Natalie

Posted in Dear Stranger No Comments »

Dear Stranger…


Dear Super Wicked Hot Stylish Chick I Saw at Brockton General on Friday,

Usually, I reserve my “Dear Stranger” posts for people who are totally clueless when it comes to clothing and style and stuff. HOWEVER, I’m making a special exception for you. You are super wicked-cool. Long dress with dusty boots and wild wavy hair? Wicked. Awesome oversized ring that glinted in the candlelight? Amazing. PLUS, your boyfriend is jaw-droppingly hot. You guys were like this little pocket of sexy-coolness eating your pasta over there in the corner.

I’m going to steal your style and try to re-create your outfit in an attempt to be fractionally as cool as you.

Love,

Natalie

Posted in Dear Stranger, Favorite Things, Style No Comments »

Dear Stranger…

Dear Stinky Guy Who Wishes He Was Ronny From Jersey Shore,

Here is the main tenant of transitive reasoning:  If A=B, and B=C, then A=C.  Not getting it?  Let me put this into terms that you can understand…

If Axe Body Spray smells like SHIT, and you use Axe Body Spray, then you smell like SHIT.

Love,
Natalie

Posted in Dear Stranger, Makes Me Frown No Comments »

Dear Stranger…

 

DEAR EVERYONE,

With winter coat season upon us, I would like to point something out that BOTHERS ME SO MUCH.  When you buy a new coat with a little vent in the back, the store sells it with a little “x” stitch that keeps it from opening up and getting all folded when it’s being packed.  It’s an ugly huge, random stitch in the back of your coat.  HOW DO YOU NOT SEE IT?  CUT IT OFF RIGHT NOW.

I see so many people with like, 12 year-old coats that are all falling apart and bally, and still have the stupid packing “x” stitch in the vent.   FAAAAAACK!

Love,
Natalie

Posted in Dear Stranger 1 Comment »

Dear Stranger…

Dear Chick Who Rode in the Elevator with Me This Morning,

Just because you put a blazer over your micro-miniskirt and titty-top doesn’t mean it’s business-appropriate.  I’m one jiggly elevator ride away from seeing your nipples, and it’s terrifying.  Here is my hypothesis for why you are deluded enough to think that your outfit is proper business-attire:

1. You work at Ashley Madison.  Although I have never worked at Ashley Madison, nor have I known or met anyone who works at Ashley Madison, I would assume that the dress code is as such: 

“Ashley Madison strives to project an image of professionalism that rivals an American Apparel ad and/or a low budget porn convention.  Acceptable items of clothing include: Fredrick’s of Hollywood bustier tops with titty-tassles, rubber catsuits, black pleather thigh-high boots with 7-inch goth heels, bumless pantyhose, and crotchless panties worn over hot pink wide-gauge fishnet tights.”

2. This is your first job ever and it’s your first day on the job so no one has told you what’s appropriate in the workplace and you love going to C Lounge and you have a date at C Lounge right after work at 5:05 pm and you don’t have time to go home and change into your slutty C Lounge outfit.

3. You have the hots for one of the guys you work with and you have no personality, so you are depending on the shadow of your nipple to attract him from across the break room.

Basically, you will never, ever, ever be taken seriously at work.  Unless you work at Ashley Madison.  In which case I’m sure you will rise through the ranks like a dink rising at the sight of a nipple shadow.

Love, Natalie

Posted in Dear Stranger, Randomness, Style No Comments »

Dear Stranger


Dear Chick Who Works at American Apparel,

That nude bodysuit was not meant for everyday use.  I mean, I know you work at American Apparel, which is apparently this parallel universe where people wear high-waisted gold leggings with floral thong-shirts that are essentially thong panties that you pull over your shoulders.  But still.  It doesn’t look good on you.  It kind of makes your upper torso look like a jaundiced loaf of bread that has some lumpy air pockets all up in it because the yeast wasn’t distributed properly during the kneading process.  I don’t know about you, but that’s not what I want people to think when they look at my torso.  Plus I think I can see your nips.  See below for the only acceptable times to wear a nude bodysuit:

  1. If you are “Eve” in an “Adam and Eve” costume and you’re going to wear the nude bodysuit and tape a piece of iceberg lettuce to your crotch.
  2. If you are wearing something quasi-see through and don’t want people to see your nipplies.
  3. If you are in an interpretive dance troupe.  

Love,
Natalie


Dear Young Teenager Who Was Walking in Front of Me This Morning,

I can see your horrible, horrible floral panties through your leggings.  Like really, really clearly.  If you’re going to wear your leggings as pants (which is already treading on thin fashion ice), then take a moment to evaluate the following:

  1. The thickness of your leggings.  If they are basically glorified panty hose, then I’ll be subjected to your bum-skin and/or panty pattern while walking behind you to work.
  2. The quality/pattern/old grannyness of your panties.  I do not recommend panties that are all oversized and bunch up into a reverse-bum camel-toe. 
  3. The location of your legging-wearing.  Maybe don’t wear leggings with a see-through bum in the mall where the intense flourescent light could pierce through lead.   

Love,
Natalie


Dear Girl Who Was Shopping in H&M Last Week,

Sista.  Accept.  You need to go up a size in that tank top.  Just because the shirt is not busting off of your body, doesn’t mean it fits you.  I can see into your belly button cavern through the thin white fabric.    

Love,
Natalie


Dear Hipster Chicks Who Hang in Front of White Squirrel,

The “tight bun on top of the head” look ONLY looks good on girls who are already drop-dead gorgeous.  By pulling your hair all tight and stretching your face skin then putting it all up and away from your face, it accentuates any minor flaw you may have.  Just because it’s trendy, doesn’t mean it looks good on you.

Love,
Natalie

Posted in Dear Stranger, Illustrated, Makes Me Frown, Randomness No Comments »