Dear Chick Who Works at American Apparel,
That nude bodysuit was not meant for everyday use. I mean, I know you work at American Apparel, which is apparently this parallel universe where people wear high-waisted gold leggings with floral thong-shirts that are essentially thong panties that you pull over your shoulders. But still. It doesn’t look good on you. It kind of makes your upper torso look like a jaundiced loaf of bread that has some lumpy air pockets all up in it because the yeast wasn’t distributed properly during the kneading process. I don’t know about you, but that’s not what I want people to think when they look at my torso. Plus I think I can see your nips. See below for the only acceptable times to wear a nude bodysuit:
- If you are “Eve” in an “Adam and Eve” costume and you’re going to wear the nude bodysuit and tape a piece of iceberg lettuce to your crotch.
- If you are wearing something quasi-see through and don’t want people to see your nipplies.
- If you are in an interpretive dance troupe.
Dear Young Teenager Who Was Walking in Front of Me This Morning,
I can see your horrible, horrible floral panties through your leggings. Like really, really clearly. If you’re going to wear your leggings as pants (which is already treading on thin fashion ice), then take a moment to evaluate the following:
- The thickness of your leggings. If they are basically glorified panty hose, then I’ll be subjected to your bum-skin and/or panty pattern while walking behind you to work.
- The quality/pattern/old grannyness of your panties. I do not recommend panties that are all oversized and bunch up into a reverse-bum camel-toe.
- The location of your legging-wearing. Maybe don’t wear leggings with a see-through bum in the mall where the intense flourescent light could pierce through lead.
Dear Girl Who Was Shopping in H&M Last Week,
Sista. Accept. You need to go up a size in that tank top. Just because the shirt is not busting off of your body, doesn’t mean it fits you. I can see into your belly button cavern through the thin white fabric.
Dear Hipster Chicks Who Hang in Front of White Squirrel,
The “tight bun on top of the head” look ONLY looks good on girls who are already drop-dead gorgeous. By pulling your hair all tight and stretching your face skin then putting it all up and away from your face, it accentuates any minor flaw you may have. Just because it’s trendy, doesn’t mean it looks good on you.