I HAVE ONE MORE DAY OF CRAZY CRAZY BUSY WORK BEFORE GOING ON A TWO WEEK LUXURY BALLER VACATION IN EUROPE.

This is what today feels like…

Neil Young – Cowgirl In The Sand by thegonedu69

Unless you are a 14-year-old girl, or Lana Del Ray, you might not have a real comprehension of duckface yet. 

Basically, it’s when a chick tries to look serious in a photo, but worries that she doesn’t look hot enough, so she does this weird thing with her lips to make her cheekbones jut out and make her lips look gross and puffy.  It’s kind of the watered-down version of blow-job lips. 

Anyways, A-Balls hadn’t heard about duckface yet, and we were trying to explain it to her at dinner, which is actually surprisingly hard when you don’t actually have a photo of someone doing duckface.  This spiraled into a series of duckface attempts, and an insatiable desire to ensure that she mastered the art of duckface.

Here is the progression of our grasshopper as she blossoms into a beautiful adult duckface.

Attempt #1
Instruction: “You have to like, push your lips together and be all serious”
Aidan’s Interpretation: ”Depressed girl in the corner.”

Attempt #2
Instruction: “Don’t look sad!  Try to look like you’re all pouty”
Aidan’s Interpretation: “Blowing on the reed of an invisible clarinet”

Attempt #3
Instruction: “Push your lips all far out!  You know, like a stupid 14-year old girl.”
Aidan’s Interpretation: “TEXTBOOK DUCKFACE!!!!”

Please see below for an analysis of Aidan’s duckface:

Truly, she has become a duckface master, surpassing even her teachers’ abilities in duckfacery.

While we’re here…

I often wonder where all my money goes.  

You would think it should go to adult things like dishwasher soap and GICs and shower curtain liners. 

Yeah.  It probably should.

Frye Braided Campus Boots

Rationale to Buy: They don’t make these fuckers any more.  Well, I mean, they make them, but not in this colour, and the braid is really rare.  Also, it’s hard to find my size in vintage Fryes.  Also, the heel is the perfect “adds height but in a super laid-back way” height, and the colour is the perfect “rusty cognac” colour that everyone wants in a brown leather boot.  Also, they’re already all dusty and broken-in.

Rationale to be a Responsible Adult: Do I already own two pairs of Fryes?  Maybe.  Do I already own four pairs of brown knee-high boots?  Maybe.  Should you shut up?  Probably.

Vintage Leather Jacket with Weird Native Mystical Patch

Rationale to Buy:  So, spring is coming, which is perfect “light leather jacket” weather, and you CLEARLY have to have a light-coloured jacket choice in the spring, in case you are wearing something, you know, lighter.  PLUS, I mean, COME ON.  The patch is worth the price of the jacket alone, because it’s so versatile!  I mean, I could theoretically take the patch off this jacket and put it on another jacket.  It’s like two jackets in one.

Rationale to be a Responsible Adult:  It’s possible that I have several leather jackets already.  It’s possible that the prices of those leather jackets have varied from “a steal” to “the price of a small used car”, so compounded, the jackets are probably worth more than I have in my retirement savings plan.  It’s possible that one human being only has so many occasions to wear a leather jacket with a bad-ass fucking weird patch on the back. 

Leather Flats with Embossed Fleur-de-Lys

Rationale to Buy:  Spring is coming and you NEED to have flats to wear when you are walking around the city, going to flower shops and meeting your friends for brunches on patios.  And although you have lots of flats, none of them are that dressy, so say, if you were wearing something a little fancier, you would look stupid with your existing shoe options.  PLUS they are so totally French-looking and when you wear them, you’ll look like Leslie Caron in An American in Paris.

Rationale to be a Responsible Adult: I have three pairs of brown leather oxfords which are essentially the same shoe but with laces.

5-Inch Leopard Print Platform Heels

Rationale to Buy:  They are 75% off.  And I look like an un-gross version of Kim Kardashian in them.  Additionally, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but leopard print is now a neutral that supposedly goes with everything, so I can wear them with SO MUCH STUFF.  Finally, They add five inches to my height, making my frame appear lankier, so my croissant-weight appears more evenly dispersed on my limbs.  IT’S SCIENCE.

Rationale to be a Responsible Adult:  Seeing how I’m not a prostitute or celebrity, WHERE THE FUCK WILL I WEAR THESE?

I don’t care that I’m still sick, or that I’m at work, or that it’s snowing and cold and I don’t have matching gloves so I had to wear a mismatched pair this morning, and one of the VPs saw me in my mismatched gloves, or that the project I’m working on is turning into a big fart cloud, or that I look horrible today and my outfit makes me look like I’m an elephant on safari with bad hair.

Because my J. Crew order arrived.