I went to a cottage last weekend. Jealous? I thought so. It just so happens that I have super affluent friends (read: friends who can use their grandmas’ cottages) who whisk me off to cottages for the weekend where I live like a Russian Czar (read: fat chick in a bathing suit eating jelly beans) for three days.
The big difference this weekend was I decided to bring Molly, who is, to be perfectly honest, a fucking city dog who is pampered and would never be able to survive for five minutes in the wilderness, because she would probably, like, trot up to a porcupine and lie on her back all playful-like, then get porcupine needles shot into her abdomen-slash-private parts. So I was a *little* worried that she was going to be a handful.
Did I mention she loves riding in the car while sitting on my lap? What a spoiled bitch.
Day one, we got up early and went fishing. I’ve never been fishing before, and I really sucked shit. I had to use the old-fashioned casts where you hold onto the line with your finger when you throw the cast-y thing, because the ones with the button on the bottom of the cast were too advanced and complicated for my piddly brain.
I also caught nothing in case you were wondering. Well, one time I felt a little bite, and one time I caught an old stick, or “wood bass” as I understand they are called.
However, I really enjoyed being out on the lake in the early morning. Like I was a sneaky nature-person, instead of a totally un-nature person like I am for real.
I told these guys they had to do a Titanic shot because they would look stupid and it would make me laugh. They happily obliged.
Here is one of the places we fished. Just want to reiterate here that I did not catch any fish.
This gentleman caught “the planet Earth” by catching his hook on a bunch of rocks or some shit… not once…
…but three times. I guess you have to be a really good fisherman to do that.
Some people did catch some fish that we threw back because we are nice people.
Ok fuck that shit. Let’s go swimming.
Perfect perfect perfect weather and perfect perfect perfect water.
Tough fuckin’ life.
Then we played cards. How fucking cool is this packaging? I want to bone it.
This game is called “Pit”, and you basically sit around each other and scream in each others’ faces for 20 minutes until someone who screams the loudest wins.
Speaking of design, the cards are also totally awesome and bone-worthy, as well.
In addition to Molly the Adventure Dog, we had a little golden retriever puppy with us, Cece. She was damn ass balls cute.
As long as Molly was allowed to take Cece’s toys, the two of them got along just fine.
Anyways, after some fishing and swimming and screaming in each others’ faces, it was time to drink our faces off and eat our… faces off. Usually when I go up to the cottage with my friends we have a very strict “meal-making” and “drink-making” protocol. Everyone gets into pairs and makes one “fancy drink” for everyone, spaced out throughout the weekend, and everyone in those pairs is also tasked with making one meal.
Although this sounds like an air-tight plan, it usually culminates into a ridiculous competition where everyone tries to make their drink as BOOZY as possible in an effort to totally DESTROY everyone at the cottage.
This was the “Tequila Sangria”, and I’m pretty sure there’s a whole bottle of Patron in there. BALLIN’ LARGE WHAT.
Similarly, the meal-cooking turns into this ridiculous competition where people try to out-do each other in an over-the-top, several-hour-long process of gourmet-meal preparation. For example:
OH NO BIG DEAL:
These guys starting preparing their marinades and “rubs” at 11:00 am. ELEVEN A.M. IN THE MORNING. They made:
- Pork tenderloin with some delicious rub stuff on the outside – SO TENDER
- Chicken thighs with like rosemary and delicious sauce of some sort – ALSO VERY TENDER
- Flank steak with pepper and chimmi-churri sauce – THE MOST TENDER OF ALL
- Basmati rice
- Grilled rainbow vegetables
Like, serious ballin’. VERY DELICIOUS. Although it made my “eggs on a microwaved tortilla” meal from that morning seem somewhat lacking.
Anyways, then we put on some fireworks that I’ll show you tomorrow. To tide you over, here are some ARTY PICTURES!
Also, here are some freak-moths.